Selected news items from June 15, 2015.
Baghdad, Iraq-- CentCom commander General Frank Jones issued a statement today saying that it may soon be proven that Evil Dictator Saddam Hussein is, indeed, dead. Although soldiers of the Third Infantry Division have not yet breached the lowest level of Bunker #17, they have high hopes of finding the body of the Evil Dictator and refugee from justice, despite a persistent rumor that Evil Dictator Saddam Hussein is directing insurgency efforts from his villa in Switzerland .
First Sergeant Alvin Jersey was quoted as saying, "I really hope the b------ is in here. My kid is going into high school next year and I have never seen him. A twelve-year deployment never occurred to me when I signed up."
Commenting on the latest rash of terrorist snipers and suicide bombers, General Jones stated that final mopping up operations were to begin soon against the last holdouts of the Baath Party, after which the foundations for democratic elections could be laid. "It's hard to hold democratic elections when our carefully-selected democratic candidates keep getting their heads blown off. No one wants to run."
General Jones noted that part of the delay of this final phase of Operation Iraqi Freedom was due to the problem of finding a name for it. After Desert Storm, Desert Scorpion, Desert Fox, Desert Iguana, Operation Cactus, Desert Rattlesnake and other names of that ilk, all desert-related names have been used up in twelve years of desert operations. The new operation has been tentatively named Operation Desert Hummingbird, pending approval from the headquarters of the Armed Forces, the newly-constructed Octagon Building .
General Jones speculated that the Evil Terrorist Osama bin Laden would also be found in Bunker #17. "Well, we know that there is a definite Iraqi-al Qaeda link and finding these two guys together would prove it." This despite the persistent rumor that bin Laden remains on kidney dialysis in a hospital in the south of France.
Kabul, Afghanistan-- U. S. troops are expected to begin the final pullout this weekend as the Taliban Democratic Republican Peoples Freedom and Liberty Party takes over full control of Afghanistan. The country's first democratic election took place last month under the auspices of the U. S. State Department with the Taliban Party winning 97.9 percent of the popular vote.
Persistent rumors credit this landslide with massive spending and payments-in-aid to regional warlords by the Taliban, but there is no evidence that the Taliban had the necessary financial resources to mount an American-style political campaign. It is more likely that those candidates running against the Taliban jointly agreed to drop out of their respective races "for the good of the country" shortly before the election. None of the candidates admitted that their decisions to withdraw had anything to do with the non-Taliban candidates for President and Vice-President being found in various parts of the desert surrounding Kabul.
Kabul, Afghanistan-- Halliburton, Cheney, Inc. has signed a new agreement with Taliban Enterprises, Ltd. for construction of a second oil pipeline traversing Afghanistan. This promises to be a lucrative deal for TE, although it has been reported that Halliburton began substantial advances to TE over the past year in order to assist with "cash flow."
Despite persistent rumors to the contrary, no link between Taliban Enterprises and the Taliban Democratic Republican Peoples Freedom and Liberty Party has been proven.
Washington, DC-- President Jeb Bush has issued a press release stating that he is contemplating a run at a second term. "After all, who could ask for better campaign advice than from my brother and my father. Both of them won two elections."
Recalling the elder Bush's legacy, after losing to William Clinton in 1992, George H. W. Bush ran against Senator Hillary Clinton in 2008, winning handily after two successful terms by his son, George W. Bush. The necessity of continuing the War on Terror after the Brooklyn Bridge bombing of 2007 no doubt contributed to the Bush victory.
The Democratic National Committee is still crying "Foul!" over that election, contending that the National Vote Tabulating System misrepresented George H. W. Bush as George W. Bush on the country's computerized voting machines. Unfortunately, there is no way to check on this accusation, or, indeed, to call for a recount. Since the advent of a national computer voting system in 2006, there are no paper ballots to count and, under the National Computerized Voting Anti-Fraud and Privacy Act of 2007, all electronic voting records are erased as soon as they are compiled and reported in the national newspaper of record, The Crawford Texas Herald-Times-Journal.
Some historians equate the elder Bush's 2008 victory over Senator Clinton to his son's victory over the Evil Dictator Saddam Hussein in 2003. But where the younger Bush had to take up the reins of the military to win a war that his father had not, the father himself came out of retirement to recoup his own 1992 loss against the Clintons.
Political analysts note that a second Jeb Bush term will give some of the younger Bushes, notably Governor of California Jenna Bush, time to have their political strategies firmly established before the 2020 campaign.
Noelle Bush, daughter of the President, was recently interviewed at her semi-permanent home in Florida, the Florida Fully-Tax Supported Substance Amusement Clinic for the Nearly Brain-Dead. When asked if she had political aspirations matching those of other members of the family, she replied, "Huh? Whut? Yeah, like fer sure . . . . Huh?"
In a related story, Representative Chelsea Clinton (D) of New York was asked, now that she has attained the minimum age to hold the office of President, if she would be running in 2016. She replied, "I have no interest in running for the Presidency . . . . Right, Senator Mom?"
New York-- Disagreement within the textbook industry flared up when two major publishers issued their latest editions of history texts bound for high schools across the country.
One company refers to 41st and 44th President George H. W. Bush as Bush I, 43rd President George W. as Bush II, and 45th President Jeb Bush as Bush III.
However, a competing company refers to George H. W. as Bush I/III and Jeb as Bush IV.
Adding to the confusion is the fact that Grover Cleveland is referred to as both the 22nd and 24th President, due to his non-continuous terms, although he is listed by some texts as only the 22nd, which would make the first Bush the 40th and 43rd, or not.
Fearing that conflicting information will leave some children behind, President Jeb Bush is poised to sign the No Child Confused Act of 2015, calling for a Federal Standard in the numbering of Presidents.
Basrah, Iraq-- Halliburton, Cheney, Inc. has announced that it will be ready to turn over oil well drilling and operations to Iraqi companies "probably some time in the next five years." They continued: "Of course, all profits have remained with the people of Iraq, as evidenced by the return of necessary infrastructure to the country. Why just this week the water has been turned on in Baghdad."
N'Djamena, Chad-- United States peace-keeping forces continue to search the city for Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction after tracing their path from Iraq in 2003 through Syria, Sudan, Somalia, and New Jersey. Temporary occupation of those countries is expected to end as soon as democratic elections are guaranteed, although a strong contingent force will remain in Atlantic City to protect various boardwalk monuments, such as Harrah's, from looting by disorganized local separatist gangs.
Washington, DC-- Consolidation of the remaining three departments of the Federal government under one roof and one Cabinet member is nearing completion. The question remains: What will it be named?
President Jeb Bush appears to be leaning toward "Department of Homeland Justice and Defense" while brother George W. is advising it be named "Ministry of Homeland Defensification," stating that "It's all about defensifying the nation from terroristism. And having a Minister instead of a Secretary is really cool because you can just hire a secretary off the street but it's harder to get a minister to come over to the house."
This final step will complete the ten-year plan consolidating all Federal departments under one head, which was begun under the administration of President George W. (not H. W.) Bush. As he commented at the time, speaking from his Segway on the fifteenth tee, "It will certainly make the job of President much more easified only having to deal with one person in the Cabinetry."
The first round of consolidations began in 2006 when the Department of Defense was placed under the National Security Agency (National Security and Defense Department), the Department of Energy under Homeland Security (Homeland Secure Energy Department), and Health and Human Services under the Department of Justice (renamed the Department of Social Justice).
Condoleezza Rice-Bush is expected to be named head of the new, combined department.