There's a movement afoot for us Whites to pay out some money (amount to be determined) to Blacks, to make reparations for having enslaved them.

Well, not actually them.  Their ancestors.  And not exactly us.  Our ancestors.  Or maybe not our ancestors; very likely a given white person can show conclusively that his/her ancestors never owned slaves.  But none of that matters to the reparations folks, they'd be glad to take our money anyway.

My own views on this subject are probably more than clear, and I'll not spend a lot of time on them.  Instead, please join me in a thought experiment, during which we will set aside all objections to such a scheme, and will start to plan to make it come to pass.

Every black person gets $100,000, let us say, with the total amount to be financed by a special tax on each white.  So, all you whites, stand on that side of the room.  Blacks, over there.  Now count off.

But wait a minute.  Who is white and who is black?  Light-skinned black people are numerous, and many have 1/2, 3/4, or more white blood.  What's the rule here?  How about someone who has 1/16 black blood?  Black or white?  A lot of money hangs on the answer, and you just KNOW that every swarthy guy and gal under the sun is going to try to "pass for black."

As I recall, researchers have concluded that most "black" people in America have a bit of non-black ancestry, with the average about 30% white.  There are large variations, of course.  Pick any black/white ratio, and it's represented by a huge number of individuals, including many "white" people who have a bit of black.

Which, parenthetically, many of us feel is a good thing!  Everyone who has studied knows that a mixing of populations has the potential to produce individuals stronger than either population alone could achieve.  But we are in danger of popping out of our thought experiment, in which the focus is NOT on the benefits of genuine diversity, but rather that each person has a number, which ultimately will determine how much money flows in which direction.  We are here for confrontation, not cooperation, and please don't forget it!

OK.  Clearly, a yes/no answer is unfair.  We need proportions in order to do this right.  So, the average black should be taxed at 30% of what a pure white would be, for his 30% white genes, then get 70% of what a non-mixed black person would get.  Right?  And we'll all need to have our DNA tested and evaluated, to get the exact, official, United States Government Certified ratio of white/black assigned to each of us.   Everyone's oppressor/victim ratio will then be a matter of public record, to be flaunted proudly, or hidden in shame.

Now, some people are probably going to object to mandatory genetic testing.  Reactionaries!  We'll brush them aside.  After all, we're talking about justice here!  And once we get this thing going, we might have to decide to recalculate the total every now and then, as some new rationalization, I mean justification, comes to light.  A monthly payment may in fact be in order. 

Wait a second, what about other racial populations and mixtures thereof?  Do Asian-Americans owe?  How about Hispanics?  Victim, Oppressor, or Neutral?  What about Jews, white but traditionally oppressed?  Should we give women reparations for being downtrodden by filthy patriarchal men?  Wow!  We're going to need a powerful government body to make the rules; this is going to get complicated!  A guy like Tiger Woods is probably going to have to hire an accountant just to find out if he owes or is going to hit the jackpot.  But that's good thing, right?  A strong government, moving money around, is a powerful force for the pursuit of justice.

Or are we, maybe, just maybe, talking about the pursuit of a transparently silly would-be con job?  Nah, couldn't be.  After all, as Martin Luther King Jr. so famously said, people should be judged by the color of their skin, not the content of their character.  And we all want to honor him, and follow his lead.  Excuse me . . . what?  He . . . said it the other way around?  Brain overload!

Dang, now we've DEFINITELY left the thought experiment.  Shall we return?  I've got a better idea: Let's not go there.