Like many of you, I have been distressed over issues in the news and wondered what to do about them.  Why are we turning once again to war?  Why don't we ever learn about the causes of the business cycle?  Why does government grow most in areas where we need it to butt out?

We see, for instance, our government handing over billions of taxpayer dollars to the dictators of poor countries, yet their people still suffer.  And while they languish, the rulers acquire new and more powerful weapons or more palatial housing.  Stop foreign aid?   No chance.  That would weaken their governments and ours.  

Despair was setting in.  We seemed to be at the mercy of uncontrollable forces.   Then, almost by magic, up sprang two stories.

First. a jury in California awarded $28 billion to an ex-smoker for being tricked into smoking throughout her life so a certain corporation could reap huge profits.  Then we hear of another demand for slavery reparations, this from a Chicago alderwoman claiming that ". . . America is rich today for one reason--slavery--and now corporate America must pay something in return." [1]

These two news items--the jury award and the assertion that slavery alone made America rich--led me to these realizations:

1.  We are not responsible for our actions.  Corporate America is.
2.  Corporate America is loaded.  This is why people sue them.
3.  Assertions, not facts, are all that count when accusing Corporate America of a wrong.

We no longer have to worry about freedom and personal responsibility.  With Corporate America emerging as the great villain, we can save the world.  The culprit will take the blame while putting us in Fat City.

We can all hitch onto those class-action suits against Corporate America--and I mean all of us, every last specimen of the human race.  There'll be plenty of everything for everyone because we'll have forced Corporate America to stop hogging the world's wealth.  By making Corporate America pay, we'll create our long-lost Garden of Eden.  Happy days will soon be here again.

You say, "Smith, we can't all sue Corporate America--it doesn't make sense."  But therein you are mistaken, Unenlightened One.  Who will stop us?

We start by taking a problem and pinning it on Corporate America.  Then we hire lawyers to litigate our claim.  The sharks  bleed the jury's hearts, condemn the corporations, and demand just payment for our suffering.  The jury, composed of non-Corporate America, returns a favorable verdict.  The parties to the lawsuit celebrate, and Corporate America appeals--unsuccessfully.

The biggest problem may be deciding which malady to sue for.  I personally see great promise in the reparations demands.  Chicago has $30 million in class-action suits pending, while New York City has $1 trillion.  These paltry sums will no doubt rise in the near future.

You say, "Wait a minute--only blacks can sue for slavery reparations."  And I say, only people who claim to be black can sue--and anyone can make that claim.  You are confusing fact with assertion.  When we're suing Corporate America, we enter a new legal reality:  The assertions of the injured are true, the assertions of Corporate America are lies.  Their assertions are lies because they pursue profit, the ultimate evil, while ours are true because we are not motivated by such base desires, as the $28 billion award testifies.

I'm sure to most people I appear to be a white male, but if juries are dishing out huge sums, I might consider myself black.  Do I have to prove my case?  Don't make me laugh.  Did the Chicago alderwoman have to prove her assertion about the source of America's wealth?   Why should a groundless allegation bar any of us from getting back what Corporate America owes us?

And besides, her claim, if given government-schooling analysis, will be blindingly obvious.  Slave societies have traditionally out-produced the freer ones--look at the bountiful outpouring of wealth from dictator-ruled countries.  FDR took away our Constitution and its protections against government muscle to rescue capitalism from self-destruction, according to official mythology.  Observe the wealth his New Deal created.  And of course the American antebellum South was the engine of our economy, owing to an illiterate, unskilled, and enslaved work force.

Since assertions are all that count, everyone can claim to be an American descended from black slaves.  It doesn't matter if you're Asian, Hispanic, Nordic, or Martian.  Were you born and raised in the north of France?  No problem.  If you exist, you're entitled.  Don't be confused by the apparent absurdities--as long as we're suing Corporate America, all our assertions are gospel.

It's always possible, of course, that some hack judge on the take from Corporate America will throw out our claims.  That may indeed happen--some people will do anything for money.  In that case, we turn to plan B.  We simply assert that Corporate America is conspiring to withhold products that could extend our lives indefinitely.  Since everyone suffers from aging through no defect in their character, the culprit must be Corporate America.  No judge will fail to see that.  

We can take part in multiple class-action suits, as well.  For instance, though white, I can nail certain corporations for exploiting my black forefathers while suing others for failing to honor properly my white Civil War ancestors.  Certain sports corporations pay their black athletes obscene sums of money for superior performance.  That constitutes an affront to the memory of the soldiers who fought for their ancestors' freedom.  Those gallant fighters died to make men free, not to make them rich.  It's not the black athletes' fault, of course; it's Corporate America's--for paying them such fantastic salaries.  No matter which race you belong to, we are all injured because we are all related to the guys who did the fighting.  All we have to do is assert as much in court.

I repeat, when the defendant is Corporate America, any accusation will stick.  The court proceeding is only a formality because their guilt is a given.  Think of the beautiful world that will emerge when everyone sues for their just deserts.  Terrorism and poverty will vanish because we'll all be busy counting our jury awards.  Everyone will be rich and happy, and envy will be permanently dethroned.

Isn't justice wonderful?

References

1.  Slave-Related Companies Forced to Fess Up in Chicago