Please note the following is satire and should not be considered an actual government release (although it might be hard to tell).

In response to United States government pronouncements to "go to Full Alert," it appears the United States public is confused and not reacting properly to the alert. Therefore, the White House has issued the following detailed explanation of how to go to Full Alert.

TO: ALL AMERICANS

FROM: THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY

In the last three weeks we have issued two calls for Full Alert and yet we have not seen the expected activity we would expect from Americans on Full Alert. In an effort to educate you, please read this Full Alert Action Memo.

First, please realize these Full Alert pronouncements are not designed to save your ass if you happen to be at one of Sammy bin Laden's target locations. We have made it perfectly clear that we have no idea of exact dates or exact locations. The stuff we are intercepting is all in Arabic and then coded on top of that and then we don't know when these guys are pulling our chain, so it won't help you against an attack.

Our goal in this entire exercise is much more noble. It is to preserve the government regardless of how many American citizens Sammy manages to do in.

As a first action step, we recommend you pay your taxes early. Face it, given we have no idea where Sammy might hit next, it might be you. If you pay your taxes now--for the full year 2001--then even if you are killed, the government will already have a large chunk of your cash.

Second, send in your George Bush for president absentee ballot for the next presidential election cycle in 2004 now. Again, if you are done in by Sammy before then (and we remind you the President has said this is going to be a long war) then you will have at least voted. Don't worry about Democrats protesting that you are dead, we will fight all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary to get your vote counted--we've done it before.

And don't be afraid that President Bush might be done in by Sammy. At the first sound of a small firecracker or even a loud fart, President Bush will be rushed off to our new secure Command and Control Center. It is located 703 feet directly beneath bin Laden's favorite cave. Trust me, this place is secure. We have the entire United States military and CIA looking for the cave and they can't find the damn thing.

Third, we are looking for Hooters girls who are willing to do volunteer work at the new Command and Control Center. If Sammy goes nuke on us, President Bush and Vice President Cheney have agreed to do their part to quickly repopulate the United States. (We have Vice President Cheney safe also. He is 502 feet directly under Sammy's summer vacation cave.)

Fourth, if you are living in the United States but are of Middle Eastern descent or simply look Middle Eastern, just kill yourself. Otherwise we will have to spend vast resources rounding all of you guys up and torturing you until you give us the name of some new terrorist targets. And new target names are going to be tough.  Others we have detained have given us all the obvious ones such as the Empire State Building and the Super Bowl. Now California Governor Davis is giving up the names of targets (the Golden Gate Bridge and two other bridges we never heard of), so there is even less for you guys to give up. Thus, if you are not very creative with a new target, that others we have harassed have not yet thought of, then you are unlikely to receive a Get Out of "Material Witness" Detention Free card anytime soon.

Fifth, all you good Americans should continue to shop, continue to fly on planes, continue to go about your daily lives as though nothing is going on. It will take your mind off of all that really is going on. 

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