The Real Problem With National Defense

Oh boy. Another little tiny bit of stress in my life. Some guy, the president of North Korea is threatening to build more nuclear bombs. There are commentators all over the political talk shows discussing the problem, but I haven't yet heard anyone get down to the real problem as I see it.

The real problem is that almost everyone thinks that the threat of nuclear attack should be dealt with by the government. In my view, government is the damned problem. The great big government public relations machine has lulled nearly the entire country into a trance. We are out here basically naked against an attack and Dick "Oilman" Cheney is already hiding in an underground bunker. What the hell ever happened to going down with the ship? Isn’t it women and children into the life rafts first? Where’s the part about a 60-something, crooked, self-dealing government official with major league heart trouble, hanging out in and sunning himself in the raft before a leak has even sprung?

And let me ask all of you this, if THE button is pushed and we do only have about 28 minutes before our molecules are dispersed in a million different directions, are military helicopters going to come flying down to swoop us off to the SECRET secure location where Dick is now hanging out?

Let me give you some clues to help you answer this. When two planes crashed into the Twin Towers and another plane crashed into the Pentagon--now I am not talking nuclear missiles, just planes--who left school kids in a reading class behind, bolted out the door and hightailed it to an underground bunker, leaving the kids and the rest of us to watch the whole thing on TV and try and figure it out for ourselves? Did anybody stop by to pick you up, did anybody call to tell you where to go, did anybody in government even e-mail you?

Now if this didn’t happen when simple planes were used as missiles, you know what is going to happen, or should I say not going to happen, when the real missiles are on their way. Hint: Don’t spend your final minutes waiting by the door.

Georgie Boy and Oilman Dick are going to leave us out here alone with our final thoughts. You see, it’s for the continuity of government. Of course, with taxes as high as they are, government regulations as onerous as they are, and new government methods of invading our privacy being implemented every day, who the hell wants continuity of government now? Never mind after the boys have managed to get most of the country incinerated.

Government continuity is the biggest scam, it is the utmost in government arrogance. The president of McDonald’s recently lost his job because hamburger sales were down a little. Does anybody honestly think anyone would want Georgie and Dickie on the job, running the show after they managed to get the United States nuked?

The truth of the matter is that the government has no plan for us in the case of nuclear attack. It has one plan and one plan only, to save the government. I think the sooner each and every American realizes this, the better. You see, I would like protection against nuclear attack, but there are no economies of scale kicking in to bring prices of various protections down. I would like my own nice little underground bunker to run into, big enough for me and a few thousand new friends. But no one else is as scared of this whole damn thing as I am. Everyone else is in a trance that somehow government is the solution, when government is not doing anything. The costs are enormous for me to build my own first-class, well-stocked underground bunker.

What I really need is for Americans to start waking up out of their trance and realizing that we are sitting ducks. And I need them to realize that government isn’t the solution, that government isn’t thinking of any solution beyond protecting Georgie, Dickie and friends. Once people realize that government isn’t going to help and people become as scared as I am about nuclear attack, then private enterprise will fill the void by coming up with various protections against attack as best it can, including underground bunkers. Economies of scale will kick in, and prices for various protections will drop.

After discussing this with an acquaintance of mine, he said, "It sounds like there is an opportunity for a business here." You're damned right, there is! It is our only hope. You see, Georgie and Dickie aren’t going to be anywhere around at zero hour. The real problem with the National Defense Plan is that there is no plan. The Emperor has no clothes! It’s time America comes out of its trance and gets as good and scared about this problem as I am.

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