Dear Mister President,

I must confess that I have never voted for you.  As a matter of fact, I have never voted. Patriotic duty to the government has never been high on my list. Come to think of it, it is not on my list at all. But being as it is the holiday season and you are working so hard with all these new programs--you know, programs for tracking all internet use, programs for tracking the purchases and banking habits of all Americans, programs for tracking the flying habits of all Americans, etc.--I have decided it's about time that I contribute a little something.

So I have thought real hard about what kind of gift I could get you that would really serve all Americans. And then it finally dawned on me.  With your being so busy developing these new plans and looking for those weapons of mass destruction that Saddam is apparently hiding really, really well, you don't have much time to keep track of those closest to you.

I'm talking about tracking John Ashcroft, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, John Poindexter and Alan Greenspan. I mean, who can you trust to really track these guys for you? Pretty much everyone in government reports to at least one of them. No, you need a real outsider. Someone who really has no connection to any of them.

So that is why as a special Christmas present to you, I hereby volunteer to track all these guys for you for the entire year of 2003. When you think about it, I'm perfect for the job. You can't get any farther outside the beltway than me.  Just read my columns here at Strike The Root. If I find out any dirt on these guys, you'll be the first to know.  And don't worry, I won't be afraid to leak any dirt I find on these guys to the press, either.

Now the beauty of my gift is that I won't need any special privileges to do my job. I will just need access to the phone records, internet records, FBI records, banking records, shopping records, travel records, credit records and medical records of these guys. You know, just the stuff you want to keep track of for all Americans. And again, Mr. President, don't worry, if I find, say, that Alan Greenspan has been secretly renting videotapes of sheep doing it with donkeys, I won't hold back. I will let you know immediately and I will leak it to the press immediately. This way, Greenspan would have to resign. After all, imagine if the terrorists found out about such a proclivity before we do. Why, they could blackmail Greenspan!

Now I have mentioned Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, Cheney, Poindexter and Greenspan, but I am wondering if I should also put Condoleezza Rice on the list. I see she is 40 something years old and still single. So I am wondering if maybe there is some back channel thing going on between the two of you. Just give me some subtle little hint and I won't pry in that direction if you don't want me to. Hey, I'm as much for privacy as you are.

On the other hand, if there is nothing going on between the two of you, now I'm thinking maybe we have a lesbo on our hands. We need to know for national security's sake. After all, she is the National Security Adviser. So just let me know how the wind is blowing on this one. Should we be more concerned with invading her privacy or more concerned about a national security risk?  I'll take it from there.

Now if word of my volunteer work gets out, it might be embarrassing to you. So I have come up with the following cover story. We can blame it on your druggie niece Noelle. You can deny you even know me. I can say that I ran into Noelle in a bar and that I started to tell her about the libertarian anarcho-capitalist philosophy, whereby, while we don't necessarily condone drug taking, we certainly don't think it's a crime.

I can say that Noelle became fascinated by this freedom philosophy, and in a moment of euphoria, began to see Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, Poindexter, Greenspan and Cheney as evil men. She then secretly plotted with me to get access to all the records on these men. That way, you are protected and you can issue the following statement, in sort of a wise uncle way, if we get caught:

"While my niece rightfully was attracted to a philosophy of freedom, she made a grave error in impinging on the privacy of those close to me in her attempt to protect freedom. Freedom is a delicate flower that must be nourished carefully, and impinging upon the privacy of others is not a method which can truly advance the cause of freedom."

Most Americans would understand this apology.

One warning, though. While I have created a plausible cover story for spying on your five aides, I have no idea how to protect you on any program whereby you decide to implement a spy program on all 280 plus million Americans.

Americans finally woke up to your father's hollow "Read my lips" nonsense, they may someday wake up to the evils of your tracking programs.

Here's a gift of advice to you, Mister President. Knock off the tracking stuff before it comes around to bite you in the tail, because if you're around long enough, it will.

Merry Christmas, Mister President,