URGENT:  TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

Dear Mr. President,

I must admit that when I first heard that the US government was warning the news media about running videotape of Osama bin Laden's statements because of the possibility that they contained secret messages, I was a bit skeptical. After all, the recent message bin Laden sent seemed to be quite logical.

It stated that the Attack on America occurred because of the United States government's meddling in affairs in the Middle East. He stated that the US would continue to have woes until US troops left the Middle East. I don't condone bombings--your bombings in Afghanistan or the attack on the World Trade Center--but bin Laden's message seemed pretty clear cut. "America, leave us alone!" It kind of made sense and I thought you just did not want to get the other side's point of view out. There didn't seem to be much room for hidden messages. Fortunately, however, I made a tape of bin Laden's message before the networks stopped airing it and, just as a hunch, I played it in reverse at half speed. It was, to say the least, eye-opening. Here is the complete transcript of bin Laden's decoded secret message:

"My fellow comrades, 

"This is bin Laden speaking. I want to commend you on the excellent work you are conducting on my behalf to suffocate America from within. While the pyrotechnics of bombings and the 21st century displays of bio-terrorism will keep the masses occupied and in line, comrades you are the true frontline that will ultimately destroy America.

"Comrade Chairman Alan Greenspan, you are doing an impeccable job at attempting to destroy the United States dollar. While you continue to lower and lower interest rates and pump the United States full of new fiat money, you are doing it in a marvelously stealthy way. I particularly enjoy your sick sense of humor when you flood the markets with money and claim you are doing it to 'fight terrorism.' When the inflation hits, that ultimately will result from the huge amounts of new money you are creating, it could possibly rival some of the greatest inflations of all time.

"As you know, we at al Quaeda are protected from the wicked inflation you are putting in place by converting all our cash to gold (I got this idea, Comrade Chairman Alan, from reading your early writings where you clearly explain why gold is the only true money.) May Allah bless you, Alan. You are surely committing professional suicide. If you don't get out before the inflation starts to hit, your reputation as a wise seer will surely be ruined. If I get to Allah before you, I will ask him to supply you with twice the number of virgins (156) that an average suicide bomber receives. Yes Alan, you do deserve 156 virgins for the financial destruction you are setting in place in America.

"Comrade Larry Ellison of Oracle Systems. Praise to you for your battle to install a National ID card. As you know, this will have no impact on our organization as we have 'innocent' recruits that will not show up on any terrorist watch lists. The national ID cards will be great sources of data, however, to keep track of freedom lovers, libertarians and anybody else who rubs us the wrong way. I understand that for some type of medical reason, you have turned down the request for virgins but that instead you would like the entire national ID card database on Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. Consider this done as soon as the national ID card is instituted. I am not sure exactly how you will use this data but I note you have never flinched at using the government to fight your competitive battles in the past. I know all about your role as the catalyst behind the government's anti-trust case against Microsoft. Comrade Ellison, you are almost as evil as I am. 

"Comrade Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta, your new rules to slow down passenger boardings at airports is brilliant. The institution of the new question upon check-in--'Are you carrying any sharp objects?'--is something I wish I had thought of. It is a beautiful example of how ingenuity, along with ever-changing baggage check-in rules, can create new confusion and delays. I hope some people at airports get arrested complaining about this ridiculous question. It will be irritating for them and I will have a belly laugh just thinking about it every once and awhile. Of course, we have advised our terrorist cells in Memo 96A to answer this question 'No'.

"Remember Comrade Mineta, your ultimate goal is to make flying so onerous that few will want to fly. Then Congress and the President will regularly step in with billions of dollars in bailout money for the airlines so they can continue to fly across the United States at near empty occupancy levels--wasting billions and giving Comrade Greenspan one more excuse to open the money spigots. (I just love the cooperation between you guys.)

"Our next in-person meeting will be in Cave Number 93. It will take place five days after Peter Jennings pulls his left earlobe during his nightly news broadcast. Please use the fake passports I have supplied you for this trip.

"On the agenda for our next meeting, we will discuss new rules and regulations that should be attempted to be placed on the American citizenry. Everyone should appear with their own list of 10 rules and regulations that can subtly take freedoms away from Americans.

"Yours in the Great Plan to Crush American Freedom Internally,

I remain,

Comrade bin Laden"

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