Send in the Amazons!

[The POTUS (I realise that sounds a bit like a nasty Spanish word, but it means “el Presidente,” actually) needs my help again.  In times like these, as the various organs of the Amerikan federal State constantly remind us, we must all pull together.  We have to unite, especially those of us who live in colonies of the US Empire, as I do.  So, in a spirit of feudal subservience, I offer the following advice to Mr. George W Bush:]

Dear George,

You haven’t had such a good week, have you?  The USAF’s raids have managed to alter the behaviour only of the International Red Cross, while Osama bin Laden and the Taliban have continued to make obscene gestures at your drone spy planes.  (It must be a bitch looking at those photos, eh, George?!)  Well, don’t despair, because help is at hand.

I have found a solution to your imperial woes and, as is so often the case, it is right in your own back yard.  In order to fight successfully against a determined, highly-motivated and utterly ruthless foe, you require a force of like disposition, right?  Well, to crush the sexist Taliban, I propose an American Amazon Army (this will give a whole new meaning to the expression “call the triple-A”), a force composed entirely of women warriors.

Look at how natural this suggestion is, George, and you’ll be embarrassed that it didn’t occur to you and Colin Powell long ago.  As part of the ongoing campaign to demonise the Taliban, their fanatical subjugation of women has only occasionally been mentioned, but in the homeland of Women’s Lib, a prolonged propaganda campaign on this theme would surely rouse the lagging public support your War Against Anybody Convenient needs.

Further, a generation of American women, inspired by films from Private Benjamin to GI Jane, and by the efforts of fat girls to gain admission to elite military academies, has demanded full and equal access to that final bastion of male chauvinist exclusiveness, the combat infantry.  Look at how many Presidents of the USA have been military veterans and even war heroes, and you’ll see that barring women from combat is an antiquated instrument of oppression.  It’s time drop a smart bomb on the glass ceiling.

Wake up, George, this is the 21st Century A.D.  You can be The Great Emancipator of your time by not only allowing women to serve in combat, but also by creating the first all-female combat unit, the AAA!  You’ll be the hero to a generation of little girls, and you will finally win a decisive victory over the Taliban.  Hell, you might even get yourself immortalised as an action figure doll!

None of this will be easy, of course, but then no empire was ever built on ease.  You will likely have to reenact conscription so as to draft sufficient numbers of young women to form this bold new outfit.  Some women may whine that this is a violation of their rights as American citizens, but a few speeches about how “we all have to make sacrifices” with some pointed references to “treason” should clear that up.  The peaceniks may even moan that women are not suitable for combat, but this archaic idea will surely be shot down by the hordes of feminists who have so long trumpeted women’s equality in all things.

On the positive side, you will have a legion of soldiers who are predisposed to hate their enemy, with minimal propaganda needed to inculcate a desire to slaughter the chauvinist foe.  As well, due to the “convent effect” (the synchronisation of menstrual periods of women in groups), attacks could even be timed to coincide with their PMS.  Such an enraged band of harpies would neither fear nor be inferior to the most battle-hardened Afghan warriors.

Leadership being a vital element in every military adventure, I suggest a few civilians who could be immediately drafted into the ranks of the American Amazons: Gloria Steinhem, Hilary Rodham Clinton, Jan “the man” Reno (a proven combat hero), Madeleine “Mad Dog” Albright, and Barbra Streisand spring immediately to mind.  With such inspiring and inspired leaders, the Amazons’ morale would always be at a sloganeering peak.

One final note, George: You will nearly unanimously carry the women’s vote in your re-election in ‘04.  A grateful nation will follow the example of their women combat veterans, and you may very well become the first President since George Washington (another famous ‘George’) to be elected by acclamation.

And George, don’t bother to thank me, I’m just a Canadian.  As you said after it was pointed out that you had left Canada out of your list of “friends” in your famous speech, you don’t have to thank a brother . . . or a serf.

November 8, 2001

Manuel Miles, aka Kaptain Kanada, is a politically incorrect writer from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.  He is rude, nasty, intolerant, insensitive, hateful, hurtful, and proud of it. If something he writes hurts your sensitive New Age feelings, don't bother to whine to him about it; he doesn't care.  He is a self-professed enemy of the state, and his personal goal is "...to die fighting for Liberty."