The Second Casualty

“In war, the first casualty is truth.”  ~ author unknown (to me, anyway)

“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.”  ~ American showman, P. T. Barnum

As I am a satirist, world events are usually a rich source of subject matter for me.  However, I was unable to write my usual column last week due to my inability to compete with the politicians.  When it comes to theatre of the absurd, they have upstaged me right out of the limelight.

The U.S. government and its FAA bureaucracy, for example, are still refusing airline pilots the right to arm themselves.  This shows absolutely unimaginable contempt for the safety of the American people!  Apparently, the Bush Administration fears that an armed pilot might have a bad hair day, leave the cockpit and shoot a few passengers before returning to safely land his airliner.

Are we to suppose that such a homicidal maniac would not think to simply crash his airplane into a large building, or do only “Islamic terrorists” die with their victims?  Are airline pilots to be trusted with piloting their flying torpedoes safely, but not with a sidearm?  Or is it true, after all, that guns make people kill people?

Whatever their “reasoning,” the FAA and the Bush administration are keeping it to themselves.  Only a cynic (or a “traitor,” as those who question the State are now routinely labeled/libeled) would dare suggest that the federal government wants to be the sole possessor of firearms, of course, so there must be a good reason for leaving air travelers at the mercy of anyone smart enough to fool the McDonald’s rejects who harass them in the name of airport “security.”  This information must be kept from the masses for their own good and reasons of national security, however.

Speaking of keeping information from the masses, Reichsfuhrer Condo Rice has now “suggested” to the media (who must get a license from the government in order to operate) that they not show any broadcasts from the Taliban, Osama bin Laden, or anybody else on the State Department’s “most wanted” hit list.  Apparently, Mr. Bush’s prescient national security advisor has figured out that the terrorists are sending coded messages via video newscasts. 

The sneaky Taliban are no doubt encrypting detailed instructions for terror targets by this hi-tech means.  This would explain the ban on even showing their pictures; the arrangement of the hairs in Osama’s beard and/or the folds in his turban are no doubt also clever messages to his fifth columnists in the American heartland.  I know that the terrorists need to send instructions to their cells via CNN, because it would never occur to them to plan ahead.  The 11 September attacks proved that, right?

Recently, I noticed that if you play the theme song to “Titanic” backward, Celine Dion is actually saying, “Loose lips sink ships!” in Arabic.  Not only that, but I have intercepted several suspicious communications on my Ouija board [copyright].  There can be no doubt that the daily newspaper horoscope is a code for Elvis to communicate with the mother ship, either.  So far, though, none of my calls to the CSIS (the Canadian Gestapo) have been returned. 

This “War On Terrorism” may well have, as its second casualty, the art of satire.  Only time and the U.S. Government can tell.  In the meantime, I sit at my word processor, utterly helpless to concoct anything half so absurd as the daily ravings from The Side Of Good.  I’d transfer to the horoscope column, but all the positions in that department are currently held by Arabs.

October 15, 2001

Manuel Miles, aka Kaptain Kanada, is a politically incorrect writer from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.  He is rude, nasty, intolerant, insensitive, hateful, hurtful, and proud of it. If something he writes hurts your sensitive New Age feelings, don't bother to whine to him about it; he doesn't care.  He is a self-professed enemy of the state, and his personal goal is "...to die fighting for Liberty."