by Manuel Miles

In the waning days of the 20th century, a small boy was plucked from the sea by fishermen.  He was immediately the centre of the most famous custody dispute of that century.  The litigants were not his mother, who died in a shipwreck, and his father, who was quickly consigned to the status of pawn, but people whom he had never even met; Cuban and American politicians. 

In those days, the island of Cuba was embargoed by the US government, which was punishing Cubans for their takeover of south Florida.

In the aftermath of the “Elian riots,” President Gore and Congress declared the boy a US citizen.  Elian Gonzalez lived with his great-uncle and began to attend Miami’s Jose Marti Public School.

All went well at first.  The shy boy even learnt to smile for the cameras and say, “Aie lov Amay-rica!” on cue.  Everybody who could grab the media’s attention proclaimed their delight that Elian was now living in “the land of the free.”  Then, as suddenly as it had floodlit the boy’s life, the spotlight went dark.

In the seventh month of the Gore presidency, as students of history will recall, NATO declared war on Botswana.  [The cynics claimed that this was to distract attention from “TipperGate.”]  So, NATO bombed the country flat and Elian became “old news.”  He was discarded by the media like a used Havana cigar. 

Now out of the centre ring, Elian got on with his childhood.  In his second year at Jose Marti Elementary, the lad became attracted to classmate Maria Luisa Victoria Elena Rodriquez-de Leon-Goldberg-Valenzuela.  Unfortunately for Elian, he made the mistake of kissing her, too . . . on the cheek . . . in class . . . in full view of Ms. Carmen Grimswald, the teacher!

Instantly the young offender was back in the news: “Monster Molests Maria!” and “Carmen Chastises Caressing Castaway!” the headlines screamed.  Elian was sentenced to one week’s suspension and one thousand lines of “I will never sexually harass female persons again.”

Six weeks later, however, the young miscreant struck again.  This time, the victim of his uncontrolled chauvinistic desire was Linda Perez-Jones, a tall girl with a short name.  Linda, whose mother taught Women’s Studies at the University of South Florida, was proactive.  She knew of Elian’s history of sexual predation, so when she saw him pucker up to whistle at her, she punched the machismo maniac right in his offending mouth.  Elian lost two teeth and some blood.  Linda was given an award and made a Peer Conflict Resolution Counselor.

It was clear to all that something had to be done about Elian’s Cubano sexism.  So, after the mandatory ten Saturdays of Sensitivity Class, he was declared ADHD and put on Ritalin.

The Guidance Counselor declared that Elian, “responds well to this treatment,” largely because he stopped responding to much of anything.  He was eventually declared “cured” two weeks before high school graduation.  The next day, Elian took eight years of suppressed resentment and a baseball bat to school.  Survivors said, “He was always quiet and kept to himself,” and “He could have had a hell of a career in the major leagues.”

The next day, President George W. Bush IV made a speech about the need to restrict access to sports equipment and sent a bill to Congress.  Elian was sent to the Florida Facility for Correction of Incorrect Behavior for five to ten years.

After six months in the slammer, Elian tunneled under the razor wire and hijacked a plane to Havana, where he rose quickly through the ranks of the Party and became Premier.  Last year he offered guaranteed asylum to all American students who make it to Cuba’s shores, sparking a wave of juvenile airline hijackings.

“Freedom,” Premier Gonzalez is fond of saying, “is a relative concept.”

 September 8, 2001