Anyone familiar with me knows that I'm not a huge fan of the government (to put it mildly).  This surprises some people, because at first I seem like such a nice person and good influence.  Somehow though, once you develop a proper ethical system of human behavior that applies to politicians as much as anyone else, you become dangerous.  Not only that, but also mean-spirited, evil, wacko, fascist, sexist, racist, homophobic, and if you continue to be nice to people, diabolical.  In high school, I remember my best friend's parents thought at first that I was a great influence, due to my work ethic, community involvement, and academic achievement.  After a couple of months though, he took home some of the sense about government that I taught him, and suddenly I was the most evil influence in the world.  After a dinner conversation he had with them once, they told him, "So why don't you move out to Montana with all your militia friends?"  I guess that's a typical Eastern Establishment reaction, though.  Besides, I've been to Montana, and though it's a nice area with friendly people, it sure as hell isn't a libertarian paradise. 

One of the most common reactions to any cogent argument against the ethical premises of the State, aside from the ridiculous "love it or leave it" response, is the slightly less ridiculous "government services" theory.  According to this argument, I actually voluntarily take part in the government.  You see, I use (or have available to me) all of the wonderful government services.  I use the roads and the Post Office, the police and army protect me, the fire department protects my property from burning down, parks and public lands are provided for my enjoyment, and free housing, food, and abortions are provided for those in need for me.  And might I add at this point how grateful I am for all of these wonderful services.  I sincerely thank the government when I am in standstill traffic on I-93 in Boston and it's 100 degrees out.  And now that they're moving the highway underneath the city, I can be doubly grateful.  I am thankful that I can send a check to someone in the mail and it will be delivered to him (just as long as I don't put any cash in the envelope).  Oh, and did I mention how grateful I am that U.S. troops protect me by bombing third world countries?  I'll send Richard Perle a thank-you letter.  Maybe he can get in a few blows on Iraq for me.  And what would I do if bastard factories in Newark suddenly had to stop producing bastards?

So I don't want anyone to read this the wrong way; I truly am grateful for all that the government has done for me.  According to many people, these services are why I need to be subjected to taxation and regulation of every variety.  You have to pay Domino's if you want a pizza delivered to you, right?  Well, the government is no different.  The government is just us.  We all own public property and use the government, and anyone who wants its services has to pay for it.

And so it is with much regret that I have decided to resign from this voluntary arrangement.  It's been a great trip, but really, it's time to move on.  Surely, I could not have gotten to the point I am today without the help of the government (no, I'm not writing this from jail yet), but it's time for the training wheels to be removed.  I am ready to take care of myself.

I even have it all planned out.  There are about 300 million people in the United States, so the way I figure it, I can sell my (1 /300 million) share of all publicly owned lands and assets.  The math will be a little different when we figure in state and town assets, but we can use this as a rough starting point.  Just to give an idea of what this dollar amount will be, something like 80 percent of Utah is publicly owned, and I think 100 percent of Nevada.  I don't know if my share of the land is in one plot, or whether it's more like buying and selling stock in a company, but either way that should come out to some decent acreage.

Once I get my money, I'll buy a plot of land in the northern-most part of New Hampshire where no one lives anyway.  That way if I get invaded by those dastardly Canadians, the army won't feel like it has to repel them.  I'll use my .357 Magnum in place of a local police force, and I will only move where I have express permission from private landowners to do so.  Maybe I can clear a trail to the local grocery store through the woods, or else I'll pay people to bring me food.  I'll no longer have to pay any taxes since I'm voluntarily electing not to receive any government benefits, so I'll be able to get by on a much lower income.  It might get expensive sending all mail by Federal Express parcel service, but with the next rate increases of the Post Office, it shouldn't be by much.  And if my former representatives are kind enough to forward me a list of personal welfare beneficiaries, I'll gladly consider sending them checks directly.

It might take some adjustment for me to shed off the benefits of government.  But I think I'll be able to manage.  Now, I think I'll start off the auction of my share of public goods.  Let's start with my (1 /300 million) share of the Grand Canyon.

Or did I mistake the meaning of voluntary?