Dear Editor: With the latest dire warnings of imminent terrorist attacks, I felt it was my responsibility to write this column right now.  Should another major terror attack occur in the US, there will be a rush among the surviving writers to be the first to publish commentary on it, and with the rapid turnaround available on today's internet 'zines, one wouldn't want to get caught flat-footed at this most critical moment in history.  Therefore, in true Boy Scout spirit, I have prepared my own opinion piece somewhat in advance (I hope), and sent you this copy just in case I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time, or my home in Phoenix becomes the next Ground Zero.  With just a few last-minute edits, you can make it ready for rapid-fire publication should the need arise. --JB  

LATEST TERRORIST ATTACK DESTROYS [?]!

Round up the Usual Suspects  

by John Bottoms (1953-?)

At the risk of saying I told you so, I’ve been one of hundreds of commentators who warned time and again that our government's policies will lead to renewed terrorist attacks.  For [months/ years/ decades] the [Bush/ Sharpton/ Daschle/ Gore/ Streisand /Rumsfeld/ Rice/ Clinton] administration has been having its way with every [country/ state/ band of guerillas/ anti-war group/ desert oasis] that looked at them cross-eyed, so surely we're not surprised that terrorists have again sent us some more blowback, big time.  Nor is it shocking to hear initial reports that the attackers turned out to be from [Saudi Arabia/ Oregon/ Afghanistan/ the Philippines/ Colombia/ Nevada/ Serbia/ Chechnya/ Iraq/ Egypt/ Iran/ Indonesia/ Panama/ Lebanon/ Yemen/ Pakistan] considering that the US government brutally [killed/imprisoned] [hundreds/ thousands/tens of thousands] of their [civilian population/ numbers] in a recent [police action/ raid/ carpet bombing/ pre-emptive strike/ tactical nuclear attack], and installed a new [interim president/ governor/ prime minister/ head of state/ supreme commander] in place of the infamous [?], who [died during the attacks/ continues to evade capture/ is headed for a special tribunal in [The Hague/ Guantanamo/ the International Space Station/ an undisclosed location]].  

But this [2^nd / 3^rd /4^th] major terrorist attack on US soil was no surprise.  As recently as last [week/ month/ year], agents warned the [CIA/ FBI/ Mossad/ ISI/ NSA/ INS/ Homeland Security Department] of an imminent threat to [San Francisco/ the White House/ Microsoft/ Phoenix/ Don Rumsfeld’s Taos home/ the Super Bowl/ our military-industrial complex], but all we got was another Chicken Little “terror alert”, which can be credited with predicting 50 of the last [2/ 3/ 4] major attacks.  Unfortunately, since the alert was made public just as President [see above]'s popularity dropped below the critical [30/ 40/ 50/ 60/ 70/ 80] percent mark, hardly anyone took it seriously.  This attack, delivered via a[n] [airplane/ container ship/ oil tanker/ suitcase/ ICBM/ smallpox-laced protest sign/ unknown object], represents another catastrophic blunder on the part of the [CIA/ FBI/ NSA/ Homeland Security Department/ White House/ National Missile Defense Agency/ Secret Service], which was immediately promised new federal funding for more agents and computers.  President [see above] was whisked away in Air Force One when news of the attack started coming in, and the vice president has been delivered to an undisclosed location presumably in the Beltway area.  

Meanwhile, these events have set off a new wave of selling on Wall Street, sending the major averages to [5/10/15/20/30]-year lows.

And leave it to TV’s talking heads to immediately attack the “blame America first” crowd, as if any attempt to understand what motivates terrorists is to blame the victim.  Within minutes of the incident, members of the pampered puerile press on [Fox/ CNN/ MSNBC/ CBN/ CBS/ ABC/ NBC] , led by news loudmouth Bill O’Reilly, were already rolling out the tired mantra that “they hate us because we're [free/ rich/ Americans/ Christians/ democratic/ morally righteous]”, and blaming their favorite latest evil bogeyman [Osama bin Laden/ Gore Vidal/ the Internet/ Saddam Hussein/ Kim Dae Jong] without even a shred of hard evidence, in order to justify the government’s inevitable next [military strikes/ war/ arrests].  Hopefully, Americans will see through the ruse this time.  

Conspiracy buffs are already publicizing their pet theories that the attack was really carried out, or at least encouraged, by the [Israelis/ right-wing militias/ Russians/ Republican operatives/ CIA] in order to ensure [foreign aid/ loan guarantees/ plenty of votes/ continuity/ support/ weapons shipments] for their struggling [economy/ budgets/ office-holders/ armed forces/ membership].  

I know that I speak for all Americans when I say that our hearts go out to the survivors who will never see their loved ones again.  President [see above] , speaking from an undisclosed location, has declared [a national emergency/ martial law/ a state of mourning/ that [he/she]’s seriously pissed off] in response to this heinous new attack, and vowed to track down all those who aided the perpetrators, wherever they try to hide.  Still reeling under fallout from the election scandal of [2000/ 2002/ 2004/ 2006/ 2008], the President, using the strongest possible language, said “. . . freedom . . . America . . . prevail . . . enduring . . . cowardly . . . evil . . . God . . . righteous . . . blah blah blah,” so we can expect to gear up for another [war/ wave of arrests/ covert operation/ postponement of the Academy Awards/ police action], and the loss of what little liberty we have left, in the name of the security which remains more elusive than ever.