by John Bottoms

"No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session." ~ Mark Twain (1866) 

Tom Ridge's system of color-coded terrorism warnings is a good start, especially for those brave Americans still living near the heart of imperial power.  Maybe they should receive advance terrorism reparation payments for their risky lifestyle choice, preferably in gold so it’s worth something after the “inevitable” attacks. 

But the rest of us, especially flyover country folk, might do better taking our chances with terrorists than with the certainty of daily indignities just living under the smothering breast of the newly proactive federal government.  Better yet would be a full divorce from these power addicts whose irresponsible foreign policies got us into this mess, while they build a police state on the ashes of the old republic. 

But until that day, we could use a system of color-coded warnings about new federal threats to our freedom, security and dignity, which I call the National Emergency Reaction Demarcation System (NERDS).  It’s kind of a weather report for citizens living across our New America.  Condition green occurs during the far-too-seldom periods when there’s nobody in Washington to create new laws, policies, decrees, concerns, orders, procedures, regulations, or guidelines which we’re required to obey under penalty of indefinite detention.  It’s best to get green days simply because all the wonks and lawgivers are away on holiday, but our well-being would definitely last longer if the city’s inhabitants were mysteriously turned into pillars of salt as they turn to view the Washington Monument. 

The mid-level blue and yellow signals occur whenever new edicts are under discussion.  Sadly, in these days of executive enthusiasm, this is nearly all of the time.  We’re in condition orange when the president’s approval ratings slip, and he’s desperate to “do something.”  Presidents have bombed rogue states, invaded backwater countries, signed invasive new presidential decrees and destroyed aspirin factories during previous hypothetical conditions orange.  Condition red is when Washington opens a new front in its perpetual war, and we’re reminded that freedom is just a peacetime privilege, though peace has just been declared passe.  “You don't need a weather man to know which way the wind blows” goes the old Dylan song. 

Today’s color is orange because the president is under attack.  And it’s no wonder, when the FBI is loudly prosecuting agents caught selling stocks short just before 9-11 based on crucial intelligence data ignored by its top brass whose attention was too focused on funding the Drug War to concern themselves with reports of Arab terrorists learning to pilot hijacked airplanes into the World Trade Center.  Not that I’m critical. 

But in a hysterical effort to “do something” the FBI is being converted into an official national surveillance network.  “We’re at war,” proclaims our fearless leader, ever careful to speak in monosyllables lest he become further tongue-tied.  A.G. Ashcroft, who is able to use big words and even sing bad homespun clones of John Denver songs, has authorized his FBI to spy on anyone, anywhere, anytime because one never knows where terrorists might lurk.  So next time you’re at your church/synagogue/mosque and the minister/priest/rabbi/mullah questions the government’s Terror War, see if you can spot the young, clean-cut FBI agents taking copious notes or fiddling with recording devices.  And if that doesn’t squelch dissent, they can always threaten to revoke the group’s tax-exempt status. 

Never mind that sufficient raw intelligence data had been gathered to stop the 9-11 attacks, but our federal cops failed to connect the dots or take effective action.  Now they can compile all this new information into giant centralized computer databases, making it that much harder to differentiate true terrorist activity from the benign chatter of healthy political speech; and their leaders can again fail to protect those brave Americans who choose to remain at Ground Zero, while we all submit to our daily ration of terror, Washington-style.