iPhone 6 to Incorporate Protective Radiation Shield [Satire]

With the ongoing Fukushima disaster already poisoning the Pacific and the world as a whole -- and with indications that this assault may soon accelerate dramatically -- anonymous (or perhaps non-existent) industry sources are saying Apple is planning to one-up the competition with a device that will monitor radiation levels, calculate various metrics for biological harm from those levels in real time, and to some extent protect users FROM the radiation by means of a yet-undisclosed technology that may create a "zone of quantum calm" around the user.
These technologies, under the moniker "iLive", will be incorporated into the iPhone 6, sources tell us, scheduled for release late in the Spring of 2014 or sooner if possible. Apple CEO Tim Cook is said to have told the iPhone engineering team that "We want to get this on the market while most of our user base is still alive. The CFO confirmed to me yesterday that our stock price WILL take a major hit if our users are, for the most part, dead or dying."
Exactly how the new technologies will work is a closely guarded secret, but one source suggests tachyon-based targeting of individual beta and gamma particles deployed in a method not unlike that seen in the arcade games Space Invaders and Missile Command. An alternate technology under consideration involves the direct manipulation of space-time, which would simply route incoming radiation around the users but which might cause issues with close interpersonal contact.
[The topic isn't actually funny, but sometimes the only way I can handle something truly horrible is with my warped sense of humor. Now  -- cringe -- back to reality]