Jonathan David Morris' Columns
Note to Republicans: Impeach Bush!
"The Bush Doctrine took us into Iraq under the premise that we should deal with grave and gathering threats before they strike us. By that very same logic, if we don’t impeach Bush, we’ll be telling future presidents it’s okay to be even worse than him." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
On Immigration: Take Our Freedoms, Please!
"But the problem with immigration isn’t that immigrants are disrespecting our policies. It’s that our policies disrespect individual freedom. Laws that infringe upon liberty are difficult laws to respect." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Fixing the Presidential Debates
"In each and every case, the high-profile candidates are the ones who would spend tons of money, occupy countries, use and abuse the Constitution, and generally disregard everything good about America. None represent the founding ideals of this once great but now fading nation. All want power, and power on top of power." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"Do you really think Usama bin Laden woke up one morning, learned we were free, and realized he had to attack us? This idea isn’t just wrong. It’s the founding delusion of post-9/11 American foreign policy." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Tonight, We Dine on the Virgin Mary
" Do you think it’s weird that a couple of Prophet cartoons cause Muslims all over the world to riot, yet a chocolate Virgin Mary causes factory workers in California to pray?" Column by Jonathan David Morris.
On Decency and the Death of Zarqawi
"But for years we’ve been told our terrorist enemies were ruthless, cold-blooded animals—primitive creatures, in fact, with no respect for life. What are we, then, if we’re breaking out the confetti here? How come we can do it, and they can’t? Is it because we’re 'us' and they’re 'them'?" Column by Jonathan David Morris.
A War on Iran Is a War on America
" A war with Iran is most certainly not inevitable.... Beyond the costs in lives and treasure... a war in Iran would assuredly feature domestic components. So far in the war on terror, we’ve seen widespread domestic spying programs, the inclusion of anti-war groups on Pentagon watch lists, so-called 'free speech zones,' and an ever widening gap between politicians and the American people—physically, as well as in terms of accountability. We’ve seen the selective use of intelligence to create threats that didn’t exist. We’ve seen leaking to smear war opponents, and we’ve seen investigations into leakers who managed to smear the war. What kind of fun stuff will the next major theater bring?" Column by Jonathan David Morris.
How Our Shortsighted Media Got Us Into War
" A war has been launched against a country that never attacked us, that had no plans to attack us, that didn’t even have the means to attack us, while Usama bin Laden—like OJ’s real killers—got away. And still the media act as if this is perfectly normal. Still they fail to connect the dots, still they fail to question the changing war motives, and still they fail to wonder how this war made us safer when Saddam didn’t even have weapons to hurt us with." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
It's Time to Forget September 11
" This isn’t the land of the free and the home of the brave. A free people would fear doing business with no one. And a people committed to free enterprise would seek to do business with everyone—Arabs included. The ports scandal isn’t about national security. It’s about the new and unimproved America. The country that wants fences on its borders. The land where the free want protection from outsourced jobs." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
By a Show of Hands, Who Cares About the First Amendment?
"Maybe there’s a reason why American Idol is more popular than the lynchpin of American freedoms. Maybe it’s because that lynchpin is quite simply losing in the marketplace of ideas." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Right Brain + Left Brain = No Brain
Column by Jonathan David Morris.
" I’m sure Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell say plenty of rational, sensitive things from time to time. But the only time they ever say anything worth quoting is when they attribute horrific events to the very God they’ve devoted their lives to promoting. As noted Christian spokesmen, do they honestly think this is helping Him?" Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"If the reason we’re upset about the murders is that human lives have value, then it only stands to reason that every human life has value. And if every human life has value, then executing Tookie is no more justified than ruthlessly murdering four innocent people—even if those people didn’t deserve to be killed and Tookie quite obviously does. On the other hand, if every human life doesn’t have value, which is what support for the death penalty indirectly indicates, then why get so worked up about those murders in the first place? Tookie thought his victims were worth murdering, and you think Tookie is worth murdering. Aren’t we’re really just looking at a difference in opinion here?" Column by Jonathan David Morris.
The Honest Truth About Honest Abe
"I lived under the impression that Lincoln was a step down from God for many years. If I’d been hit by a big yellow school bus and killed my last day of high school, I would’ve died safe in the knowledge that Honest Abe walked on water, breathed life into blacks, and let loose bolts of thunder from his perch atop Mount Olympus." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Rock Is Dead and Live 8 Killed It
Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"Our government, like any government, is a territorial monopoly. Its hold on this land depends on your reverence for it. That's why they want you to put the flag on a pedestal. A lot of people think, 'If it's the law, then it must be right.' And if the government can convince people that any attack on its flag is, in fact, an attack on the country -- its scenery, its history, its people -- then the government can get away with anything." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"At the other end of every single public policy issue...there exists the barrel of a gun. And not just one gun, usually, but many guns. Whole police departments. Even armies." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"It represents the undying allegiance some leaders have to their vision of how things 'should be.' Politicians consolidate power for plenty of reasons—like money and job security—but it’s the belief that they’re somehow performing a vital service that clears their conscience to do this. It’s not they haven’t got values; it’s just that their values are totally messed up. They truly believe in their vision for society. This is what justifies everything they do." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"Fear. That’s what they’re selling here, people. Pure, unadulterated fear." Column by Jonathan David Morris. If you want to see an example of how useful government ID cards are, see the movie "Hotel Rwanda."
"People want to make this out to be a huge political crisis. I would tend to agree with President Bush when he says we should 'err on the side of life.' But the same conservatives who would err on the side of life for Terri Schiavo would also err on the side of collateral damage and capital punishment. And liberals, for their part, would sooner give the benefit of the doubt to suspected murderers and terrorists than unborn babies and women in persistent vegetative states. You want a political crisis? There it is." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"If you ask me, there should be a color beyond the Red and Blue spectrum to represent peaceful coexistence—not a state of being, but a state of mind. In fact, forget colors. Colors won’t do the trick. From now on, I’m a Translucent American." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"Bo and Luke Duke are revolutionaries. They’re freedom fighters. They’re everything we’ve ever been taught to admire about America. The mountain might get ‘em, but the law never will." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"... basically, it can be boiled down into a single, four-word phrase: “What’s this ‘we’ stuff?”....In each case, libertarians attempt to treat humans not as means to an end but as ends unto themselves." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State
"You take a guy like Jerry Falwell (who blamed 9/11 on gays), and you take a lady like Smiley (who no doubt blamed 9/11 on guys like Jerry Falwell)—they’re never going to see eye to eye. So why are they so much as trying to share a president? Think about it. They really don’t have to." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Maybe, Maybe Not: Assorted Thoughts on the Upcoming Election
"People tell me sometimes, 'If you don’t vote, don’t complain,' but it would seem to me the people who don’t vote are precisely the ones who should be complaining; after all, they’re the ones who never gave anyone permission to exploit them." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"The point is, in our current system, politicians make whichever promises polls show will get them elected, and fulfill whichever promises polls show will keep them in office. But no matter the promise, and no matter who asks for it, it always comes at someone else’s expense. Somebody somewhere is always being forced to do something they don’t want to do—whether it’s putting out a joint, or paying a stranger’s college tuition. And meanwhile, amazingly, whoever gives away the most of your money wins." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"Unfortunately, though, D.C. seems to believe full congressional representation is one way to win their war. I’m not so sure I agree. I mean, we all face taxation without representation—all of us, nationwide, from sea to shining sea. You think congressmen represent America? I don’t. I think congressmen represent themselves." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
What's in a Name? A Whole Lot of Money
"But as long as sports stadiums are publicly owned, the money to fund them will have to come from somewhere. And I say better corporate sponsors than taxpayers." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Zell Miller: Certifiably Insane
"But beyond that, the man’s still out of his mind. Why? Because he suffers from the same mental disorder afflicting most every politician in America: A voice in his brain that keeps telling him, daily, 'You know what’s best for everyone else'." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"So if America’s interested in leading the free world—an oxymoronic concept, but work with me here—we would do well to lead by example instead of by force and protectionist tactics. Open the market. Lift the restrictions. Let freedom ring, and people will hear it." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Column by Jonathan David Morris.
The United States of Prohibition
"That's right. A State Store. And, no, the name isn't deceiving. The state -- I'm sorry, commonwealth -- of Pennsylvania is in the business of getting people blitzed, and has been since the end of Prohibition. State-run establishments control the flow of wines and spirits statewide. And you're not even allowed to buy wine outside the state -- where it's cheaper -- and bring it back across state lines. Why? Because then the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board wouldn't get its cut." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"Thank God Congress is there to protect us by renewing the Patriot Act. Thank God they have the guts to pass the WELOVEOURCOUNTRY and VOTEFORUS Acts as well." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
The Libertarian Lesson of 'Fahrenheit 9/11'
"If [Moore] makes a mistake in this movie, it's not that he's careless with the facts, as some allege. It's that he suggests Bush is the cause of our problems, when, in fact, Bush is just the result." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"I am sick-and-tired of having presidents who promise to 'fight for us,' who, in truth, only fight their way into the most intimate portions of our lives. That's why I'm saying Bush has got to go. And that whole stinking lot in Washington ought to go with him." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
The State of New Jersey: Unsafe at Any Speed
"...I also think New Jersey is known for its roads because they're the biggest moneymakers we've got outside Atlantic City. And I'm not talking about the buckets of cash brought in by all our tollbooths. No, I'm talking about the money we make off of traffic fines. You see, the State of New Jersey has this way of taking the fun out of driving and sticking it straight up your tailpipe." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Ladies Night of the Living Dead
"Lost in all this is the fact that human beings discriminate every day. You do it, and I do it. And it doesn't mean we're close-minded. It means we care about the situations we put ourselves into." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
'Click It or Ticket' Sticks It to Drivers
"I can rattle off a bunch of statistics supporting my pro-seatbelt stance. Hell, I can list a hundred reasons why I'm a Yankee fan. That doesn't mean I think Red Sox fans belong in jail." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
The Patriot Act Is a Refuge for Scoundrels
"The people who knocked down those buildings deserve to be punished. But bringing them to justice is one thing. Saying we'll 'democratize' their countries is another. It gives them an excuse to turn around and say, 'See, we told you America's trying to change our culture'--like they did when they beheaded Nick Berg and blamed it on our NC-17 torture. When they do this stuff, it only gives our leaders excuses to limit our freedoms and widen our wars. Around and around we go, like a tilt-a-whirl from hell. And talk of democracy becomes little more than a barf bag." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Abu Ghraib Ain't No Animal House
"Guys who pledge fraternities want to pledge fraternities. They go streaking through the quad and call their peers 'sir' because they want to. It's a rite of passage, but it's passed by freewill. No one has to be there....And if you don't like that, you can drop out. There's no reason to endure this stuff if it isn't worth it to you. The prisoners there were just that: Prisoners. And prisoners, by definition, are kept against their will. And whereas a frat boy wants to join those who haze him, what happened here won't make many Iraqis join America. If anything, it'll have an opposite effect." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Grab Your Sweater: D.C.'s Feeling a Draft
"As Americans, we see America and freedom as essentially one in the same. And we sometimes define freedom by our actions instead of the other way around....But those who oppose our actions are enemies of freedom and democracy, we say. If they don't like what we're doing, they must be. After all, we've got a First Amendment." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"I swear to you, sometimes, I feel like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix after he takes the red pill and discovers the real world is hidden beneath this world of our own. I think I took the proverbial red pill the day I stopped buying into political rhetoric -- indeed, the day I stopped believing Blue States and Red States exist." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Column by Jonathan David Morris. It amazes me that some people have never fired a gun.
Look, Boys! Now You Can Fight Like Real Men!
"My hero when I was a kid was Abe Lincoln....I used to write research papers with help from a set of 1989 World Book encyclopedias, which I still own. Their Lincoln entry sums up everything I ever learned about this fair and noble man. It begins like this: 'Lincoln, Abraham (1809-1865), was one of the truly great men of all time.'" Column by Jonathan David Morris.
The Governor Is a Harsh Mistress
"...I'm marrying not one but two -- yes, two -- people. The first is someone I've known and loved for almost six years....The second, however, is someone I don't know, someone I don't love, and someone who won't even be at the wedding. His name is Jim McGreevey. He's my governor." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"Well, I don't know about you, but from where I stand these 'rights' sound a lot like entitlements. Is this supposed to be a constitution, or a stump speech for Dennis Kucinich?" Column by Jonathan David Morris.
To Rock the Vote, Knock It, or Block It?
"But don't you see what they're trying to do here? They're trying to shame you into going to the polls....They want you to think staying home on Election Day means you simply don't care. Well, here's an idea: Stay home because you do. If you think this sounds like giving up, I say voting out of 'duty' sounds like giving in." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"That the Jews were Jewish, and the Romans were Roman, seems mostly incidental. Their flaws weren't ethnic, but human. And in a country that elects politicians to raise armies, collect taxes, and make slaves of men, all of us here in this melting pot, America, are descended from those particularly bloodthirsty human beings." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
The Road to Tyranny Is Poorly Paved
"I just wish they'd be honest and call it extortion. Come to my house and hold me over the roof by my ankles, for all I care. You can keep the pocket change. Just leave me alone on the roads." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
"Well, I, for one, don't plan on voting Republican this November. Nor do I plan to vote Democrat. In all likelihood, I will submit a blank slate straight down the line, or I will stay home. Our government's got enough consent as it is. It doesn't need my support." Column by Jonathan David Morris.
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish: A Warhawk Flies the Coop
"In my first ever political diatribe, dated May 7, 2001, I referred to myself as 'a non-partisan moderate,' then went on to scold anyone critical of George Bush. I compare this now to North Korean girls crying tears of joy at the sight of Kim Jong Il." Also, this is brilliant: "No wonder they send folks to jail for fighting back against petty burglars. With an attitude like that, we'd kick the government out of our homes, too." Column by new Root Striker Jonathan David Morris.