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Who's Your Daddy? by B.R. Merrick
November 11, 2008 When
you see Daddy comin’ You’re
lickin’ your lips, Nails
bitten down to the quick… He
gives you the keys To
a flaming car. Daddy’s
with you wherever you are. Daddy’s
a comfort. Daddy’s
your best friend. Daddy’ll
hold your hand right up to the end. --
U2,
“Daddy’s Gonna Pay for Your Crashed Car” When
I was at the gym on Tuesday, November 4th, all I heard was how
impressed people were with how many young people turned out at the polls,
how important it was to have “your voice” heard, how important this
election was. I agree that for
the superficial reasons Americans have always been obsessed with, this
election was indeed important in that it forced people of all political
persuasions to discuss race and sex in an even more outrageously
overextended manner than normal. The
war? What’s that? But
I’m not going to make this a gripe session, in spite of the fact that I
have felt the need to vent ever since.
No, the venting was handled vicariously and quite nicely by Mr.
Groves last week, while I was still in the throes of hyperelectionemia. Instead,
let me just add that Bono’s lyrics at the top capture perfectly the
state of this “ The
progressives have their man in office come January.
Daddy is going to set about fixing our health care system, fixing
the economy, fixing the war, and fixing our national image abroad.
Uh-huh. Sha-la.
From Daddy’s
mouth straight to our hearts: “[T]o
those who would tear the world down: We will defeat you. To those who seek
peace and security: We support you.”
More war, ladies and gents. Probably
in “Our
union can be perfected.” Oh,
God. “The
road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in
one year or even in one term.” Is
this perhaps an early caveat, a promise that Daddy will be able to fall
back on when four years later we’re all using outhouses? Please
keep in mind that the Obamas, McCains, Bushes, Palins, Bidens, Clintons,
Cheneys, Gingriches, Reagans, and Roosevelts of this world will not
have a long road ahead; they all live next
door to each other on Easy Street.
They will not have a
steep climb; their servants do that for them.
And they have already gotten there; screw you if you don’t “get
there in one year or even in one term.” But
at least the rhetoric is pleasant-sounding enough.
It reminds me of the exquisitely turned phrases of yet another
Daddy, the one I actually missed when he left office all those years ago.
To me, Reagan was like a grandpa, one who was more present in my
life than either of my actual grandfathers.
What did he say
differently? “Government is
not a solution to our problem, government is
the problem.” A statement
that is thoroughly and entirely correct, and one that resonated
with millions. Except
that by the time Papa Reagan left office, the national
debt was almost twice as high. Medicare,
Medicaid, defense spending, and Social Security experienced huge increases.
Remind me, Daddy, what was the problem again? (Gosh,
he’s handsome!) Turn
on Limbaugh, Hannity, and Coulter, and you’ll hear that Daddy should get
tough on crime, put the Bible back in schools, reintroduce Christianity
back into “public” life, and fight wars against communists and
terrorists, but nobody else. Turn
on Franken, Colmes, and Huffington, and you’ll hear that Daddy should
enforce “equality,” regulate gay marriage as well as straight
marriage, redistribute
the wealth, and fight wars against really, really
bad terrorists and poverty, but nobody else. Most
libertarian and old-right minarchists just want Daddy to stop drinking and
get himself to AA on a more regular basis.
What they don’t understand is that The Constitution (Daddy’s
pre-nup) does not provide for a minarchy.
Not anymore, at least. Just
read the text of the Sixteenth
Amendment once more. You
don’t even have to read between the lines: “The
Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from
whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States,
and without regard to any census or enumeration.” Need
it translated into modern English? Very
well: “Daddy
can take as much money as he wants, from whomever he pleases, without
regard for decency or fairness. Uh-huh. Sha-la.” Do
I exaggerate? If you think so,
then you probably live with an alcoholic parent, for whom you regularly
make excuses. But that’s
what the minarchists’ precious Constitution did: it merely gave a
driver’s license to a drunkard. Daddy
does not have to pay for the car he crashes.
You do. But
at least the American children, who apparently number in the tens of
millions, have elected a good-looking, suave, urbane, well-educated,
charming, disarming, and eloquent Daddy.
Those of us who have willfully become political orphans will have
to endure Four More Years of Daddy love and Daddy hate.
Daddy’ll get drunk, bang on the door to be let in, piss in the
shrubs, curse the neighbors, dent the fender, pass out, make excuses,
apologize, bring Mommy some flowers, and make empty, vacuous promises.
The media will fall in line on either appropriate, socially
acceptable side (democratic socialist or national socialist), dutifully
report where Daddy went wrong, and where he’ll make
it right when McObamaton or W. McObamaton is elected to Daddy Office
next. No
matter who Daddy is next time around, will it sound any different from any
other inaugural address, I
wonder? Can anyone explain the
difference between the below quotes from inaugurals past and the below
quotes from The Lord of the Rings
trilogy? “When
I was first honored with a call into the service of my country, then on
the eve of an arduous struggle for its liberties, the light in which I
contemplated my duty required that I should renounce every pecuniary
compensation.” – George Washington “I
thought I’d lost you, so I took [the ring].
Only for safe keeping.” – Samwise Gamgee ------ “We
have become a great nation, forced by the fact of its greatness into
relations with the other nations of the earth, and we must behave as
beseems a people with such responsibilities.” – Theodore Roosevelt “Why
not use this ring?” – Boromir of Gondor ------ “Although
we have centered counsel and action with such unusual concentration and
success upon the great problems of domestic legislation…other matters
have more and more forced themselves upon our attention – matters lying
outside our own life as a nation and over which we had no control, but
which, despite our wish to keep free of them, have drawn us more and more
irresistibly into their own current and influence.” – Woodrow Wilson “The
ring is taking me, Sam.” – Frodo Baggins ------ “It
may be our lot to experience, and in large measure to bring about, a major
turning point in the long history of the human race.” – Harry S.
Truman “The
ring was entrusted to me! It’s
my task! Mine!
My own!” – Frodo Baggins ------ “And
so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask
what you can do for your country.” – John F. Kennedy “We
swears to serve the master of The Precious!” – Gollum ------ “This
ceremony is held in the depth of winter. But, by the words we speak and
the faces we show the world, we force the spring.” – Bill Clinton “The
Ring of Power within my grasp…A chance for Faramir, Captain of Gondor,
to show his quality.” – Faramir of Gondor ------ “Our
goal instead is to help others find their own voice, attain their own
freedom, and make their own way.” – George W. Bush “The
ring is mine.” – Frodo Baggins (or what’s left of him) Several
weeks ago, I saw a picture in my local paper of a new high school that had
been built for $69 million. It
looked like all the others. It
was square. It was ugly.
You know exactly what sort of condition it will be in by the end of
the second school term. How is
it that Daddy is always such a lousy architect and aesthete when it comes
to educating his children? And
how come, once the kids move in, Daddy can’t keep the building in good
repair? For $69 million, you
can build and maintain quite a beautiful edifice indeed.
So why doesn’t he? I’m
so glad I don’t listen to Daddy anymore.
It’s always the same apology.
Always the same excuses. How
many $69 million schools have been built to fix the same problem that only
gets worse? Every drink Daddy
takes is the last one. He
means it this time. You’ve
got a head full of traffic. You’re
a siren’s song. You
cry for Mama. Daddy’s
right along. What’s
actually happening is that they’re all aiding and abetting this drunken
slob. Every last one of them.
The children need to be lied to, because according to Alice
Miller, the false perception of parental love is a psychological
survival tactic of little children. People
lined up at the polls for three hours last week desperately hoping that
Daddy has finally come to his senses.
Maybe he’ll really mean it this time.
And look at the car he bought!
Daddy loves us after all! Sunday,
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday Alright. B.R.
Merrick lives in the Northeast, is proud
to be the #900,000-ish Reviewer at Amazon.com,
and in spite of the poisonous nature of television, God Himself will
have to pry his DVDs of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” out of his
cold, dead hands, under threat of eternal damnation.
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