What's Cooking

by Emmett Harris

Exclusive to STR

December 26, 2006

On Thursday, the chefs at The Associated Press cooked up one steamy interview with the United States Secretary of State.  Condoleezza Rice was on the menu this day and she proved to be a bold blend of spicy Neo-Conservative seasonings piled onto a base of bland American Establishment.  Her latest half-baked pronouncement claims that the War Du Jour is “worth the investment” in standard, Washington, D.C.-sanctioned ingredients – American lives and wealth.  

So how does one go about creating such a dish?  Though Rice was reluctant to share the exact proportions used, the AP has learned that to date it takes close to 3,000 American troops and more than $350 billion to concoct an Iraq policy.  Served with a side dish of Afghanistan , the tally measures in at more than $500 billion.  That’s mmm mmm good.   

Rice, who has been under the tutelage of master chef President George W. Bush for years, is proud of their creation but acknowledges it’s more of a Cuisinart than a science.  That’s why they are always willing to dip into the suggestion box for tasty tips.  For instance, one such tip comes from the Pentagon, which believes in epicurean totality.  The presentation, they claim, would be enhanced with a $100 billion garnish.  Sure it’s rich, but hey, it’s the holiday season, so why not indulge.     

Some have claimed the Bush Bistro cannot continue to rely on terrorism-related dishes, but Rice disagrees.  She thinks the patrons will find the fare palatable, so long as new and creative twists are added.  One such twist would be success.  Rice stated that she and Bush think “we can in fact succeed,” given more time and more bodies.  Butchers everywhere were pleased because that line of thinking will ensure that the slaughter will continue.  

Rice didn’t want to leave the impression that Iraq and war in general were the only items offered.  Thus, she was quick to point out other administration delicacies.  They’re barbequing taxpayers for a lot more than war.  They’re spending other people’s money on aid to fight AIDS and combat malaria in Africa , efforts to pressure a peace deal in the Sudan , and belligerent posturing against the likes of North Korea and Iran .  

While her position in the kitchen cabinet has been lofty, talk of her running for head chef is misplaced, she said.  The headaches of running a presidential restaurant are more than she would care to suffer.  The presidency is, after all, a pressure cooker.  Still, were she to run, she thinks the American public would opt for brown rice just as much as white rice, even though the color of rice “is still an issue in America . . . It's something that I think is going to be with us for a very, very long time."  

Returning to discussions of the current menu, it seems apparent that whatever Ms. Rice and the administration are calling it, it’s certainly not comfort food.  If anything, it’s probably closer to blood pudding, and connoisseurs of haute cuisine will recall a similar Iraq recipe served by Madeleine Albright.  The latest version substitutes the blood of Iraqi children with the blood of American servicemen, resulting in a subtler, yet still pungent, aroma.  Just remember when your nostrils flare out in revulsion and you begin to wretch from repulsion, it’s all “worth it.”  Bon appetit!