Gay Cowboys to Lasso bin Laden in Sequel

by Travis Irvine

Exclusive to STR  

Washington D.C. is often referred to as the ugly person’s Hollywood .  Likewise, Hollywood is full of scum sucking trash who don’t care about anyone except themselves.  So really, the two were made for each other.  They’re like sisters.  Two spoiled sisters who America watches intently, even though deep down, nobody knows why.  Let’s call them the Hilton sisters!  

Currently, these sisters hate each other and totally mean it.  Washington sister tries to regulate the content of Hollywood sister’s performances, and Hollywood sister attacks Washington sister with her product.  Meanwhile, the rest of America watches as the two sisters flail about the room, pulling each other’s hair.  Oh yeah!  

Once a year, Hollywood sister puts on a pageant where her stuffed animals gather and congratulate her on how awesome she is.  Known to the rest of America as the Oscars, this ceremony celebrates the best of Hollywood ’s undertakings in the last year – namely, in my opinion – ones that read Washington ’s diary.  But this year, some of the finer movies regarding Washington ’s foreign policies – like Syriana, The Constant Gardener, Lord of War and Jarhead – are being greatly ignored.  Only one movie is sweeping the nation with words of gold: Brokeback Mountain !  Woo!  Ride ‘em cowboy!  

This movie about two gay cowboys’ secret love affair has swept the nation; it’s extremely well shot, well acted, well written and the like.  But you could also say the same about Syriana or The Constant Gardener.  Brokeback has earned Oscar buzz because it’s something that has never been done before in this fashion, and more importantly, Hollywood thinks it’s sticking it to Washington (or sticking it in Washington!) over the elections of 2004, where the Gay Marriage issue split the country in half.  Brokeback is a way to state to the establishment “we’re here, we’re queer, and we wear chaps.”  

As much as I support Brokeback and its cause, why oh why can’t we give some national attention to a movie like Syriana?  The story is meticulously researched, interconnecting five stories around the CIA ’s involvement (on behalf of US oil company interests) in the Middle East .  Brokeback is a love story.  It begins, it moves you, and it’s over in two hours.  I’ve heard a lot of good jokes relating to Brokeback (the reason you know they’re gay is because they’re dressed like cowboys), but I’ve heard a lot of good discussions coming out of Syriana (mainly: Is this crap really happening?)  

Maybe Hollywood should start combining its efforts into one big, happy, gay loving, corruption-exposing melee.  How about two male CIA agents who fall in love on the trail of tracking terrorists in Pakistan ?  Their first homoerotic love making session takes place in a cave, only to discover Osama bin Laden is hiding in the same vicinity!  

In the end, the U.S. government commends the gay lovers for their work and accepts their affair on a national level.  Audiences will be moved by an acceptable love story and informed about their own nation’s foreign policy.  The best of both worlds are combined.  And Osama bin Laden ends up having his own gay lovers – in a maximum-security prison.  Oh yeah!  Get ‘em Hollywood !