Dear Congressman,

by Jim Davies

Exclusive to STR 

I'm writing about those eleven million undocumented aliens among us. You recently decided to ship them back South, and although I do have an opinion about that, please allow me to not reveal it, for today I want to urge upon you only one point: that if you do enforce the law in that way, you do so efficiently and fairly.  

First though, I can understand your reasoning. You make a law, and 11 million swarthy aliens flout it. Such makes you-all look like 435 idiots, and that will never do.  

There then arises the big "How?" question, and maybe I can help. The problem of identifying, rounding up and transporting these 11 million is not quite unprecedented. Back in the early ‘40s the German government faced a similar task and they went about it with gusto and intelligence. You could learn from their example--up to a point, of course.  

The identification was a long job, but there were physical attributes and ethnic names that helped, and they relied also upon neighbor identification. You could implement some kind of reward system that would bring out informers from the woodwork of apartment and farm or factory, as well as having the IRS and SSA match you some computer records--and more about them below. Given the will, you can find a way. Otherwise you-all might appear impotent, and that would never do.  

The other clever thing those Germans did was to pick out leaders from the community to be transported or organized into work gangs, give them some kind of uniform, and make them responsible for the task--without diverting valuable government resources. Smart! I recall that in the Lodz and Krakow ghettoes, for example, those leaders were called the Judenrat."  

Eleven million, spread widely around the country, would need several hundred thousand to do the job--and in the present tight job market, you couldn't possibly hire that many, even if you had the money to pay them--so all you'd need do is to pick out (say) one of them in 20, give them armbands with a Special Service insignia and a modest expense account, and set them to work with promises of no deportation. Hey, if you break those promises later on, to whom will they complain?  They will have no standing in this country, no Representative in Congress.  

The actual transportation will be tricky, in these days of $3 gasoline, but you'll find a way. Perhaps there are trains with empty compartments one-way, or some such. Anyway, it has to be done, otherwise you-all would appear incompetent, and that would never do.  

Shipping the 11 million is of course only one part of the task. Laws were broken by their employers too, and you must punish them; otherwise the law would be revealed as an ass, and that would never do.  

Here are my suggestions about that. First, you can get the departing illegals to snitch on their employers. Promise them a better class of travel on the trip or something. Then (because so many of the employers are individual householders, like those who were picked for high office by Clinton before it was found they had hired undocumented nannies) you could do a simple sweep of everyone in the Border States who is earning more than, say, $130,000 a year. The IRS will spot them for you easily. Pay them each an unexpected visit, and check the papers of anyone gardening who looks Hispanic. That could be very productive!  

Yes, I know that people in that class are among your most generous supporters, come election time. But you must be fair in enforcing the law; otherwise, you-all would appear not to be acting without fear or favor, and that would never do.  

So far, so good. But then comes a class of villain that you may not have considered yet. To be consistent and fair, however, you must prosecute them too; for the law is the law. I refer to government agents who have taken money from these illegals but delivered no services in return. You will recognize that as pure theft, and it must be dealt with; otherwise you-all might be seen as a bunch of crooks, and that would never do.  

I refer to the IRS and SSA, which have money deducted from the paychecks of these illegal workers for income tax and Social Security tax, without checking first to make sure they are legit--the very same crime of which their employers are guilty--and without the slightest obligation to provide any services or eventual pensions in return. If $3,000 a year is deducted from each paycheck, that's $33 billion annually, and in aggregate I suppose it could amount to a heist of a quarter of a trillion. That's massive fraud!  

Probably, you'll not feel able to fire, fine or incarcerate all 120,000 IRS employees and however many work for the SSA--there might be a downside to that, an impact on your revenues. But that need not stop you going after the ringleaders! The top 100 managers in each agency, say, could be picked out and given long prison sentences, along of course with the Administrators and Commissioners for the past dozen or so years that this huge influx of illegals has been a-building. The key people, who were actually responsible for the fraud, but perhaps not the grunts who were just obeying orders. You really have to do this; for otherwise voters might perceive a double standard and see you-all as two-faced, and that would never do.  

Well, that's about all I have for you today. Hope it was helpful! Until next time,  

Your earnest and supportive constituent,  

My Name