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The
Greenspan Greenback
by George F. Smith
 In
an effort to silence forever those pesky cranks who call themselves
monetary libertarians, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan has
announced a new do-it-yourself dollar. Appropriately called the
Greenspan Greenback, the new one-dollar specimen sports Chairman
Greenspan’s likeness not merely once, as with good ‘ol George, but
12 times.
“Critics of the Fed’s very existence, from Rep. Ron Paul [1]
to the loose cannon known as the Mogambo Guru [2], not
to mention all the revisionists at the Mises Institute [3],
will now have the opportunity to see for themselves what temptations a
fiat dollar offers,” Mr. Greenspan stated in a press release. [4]
“Specifically, I have been accused of irresponsibly expanding the
money supply to favor special interests at the expense of the general
population, bringing special harm to those of limited resources and
political influence. In turn, certain individuals have
ludicrously blamed the Fed’s accommodative monetary policy for driving
prices up, enlarging the size of government, growing the federal debt,
making us more dependent on foreigners, fostering entrepreneurial error,
creating bubbles in stocks and housing, and depreciating the value of
the dollar to the point where few people save anything at all and are,
therefore, either broke at retirement or have their funds tied up in
shaky investments.
”With the Greenspan Greenback, as my colleagues at the Fed have dubbed
it, these critics, along with everyone else who holds U.S. dollars, can
now conduct their own monetary policy.
“The Greenspan bill is separated into 12 regions, in honor of the 12
regional federal reserve banks. Each region on the bill is
delimited by a perforated line and is equal in value to one Greenspan
Greenback when torn off. Thus, if the holder of the bill has a
need for more buying power but comes up short on funds, he can, at his
discretion, adopt the policy the Fed has followed for over 90 years.
He can literally create money from nothing by tearing off a region and
substituting it for a full-sized dollar. The Greenspan Greenback
will, we hope, spawn more dollars, but only as the needs of the economy
dictate. It will, in other words, mimic the larger policy of the
Federal Reserve.
“People are strongly urged to put their special interests aside and
consider the economy as a whole in deciding whether or not to pump more
dollars into circulation. Dollar bearers will now have the
opportunity to restrain themselves from making frivolous purchases, just
as we at the Fed, through our open market operations, restrain ourselves
from needlessly purchasing government securities. Of course, as we
all realize, it is sometimes necessary to sacrifice better judgment for
the sake of propping up government or friends of government, but this
amounted to an increase in the money stock of only a few trillion
dollars over the course of my tenure.
“It should be stressed that this special bill will be printed in
dollar denominations only. To allow ordinary citizens perforating
rights on higher denominations would undermine the elitist philosophy of
government that Progressives and Big Business substituted in the early Twentieth
Century for the nakedly selfish ideology of the Founders. We want
to reassure investors that broad monetary movements will still be under
control of public-spirited bankers at the Fed, thus assuring continued
economic stability and growth.
“I would be less than candid if I didn’t make known my expectations
of this little experiment. Unlike people who serve in government
or government-sponsored entities such as the Fed, and the $2.4 trillion
federal budget notwithstanding, private sector types have a reputation
for wanting to acquire more money. Some will work two or three
jobs, others will work for multiple advanced degrees to increase their
intake of dollars. While this is admittedly necessary behavior for
a host if it is to successfully support a bloated parasite such as
government, it is crudely self-interested in manner.
“It is, of course, to keep us from acting in our self-interest that
government exists in the first place. Without the restraint of
government, the world would be rife with war and looting.
“Thus, the nature of private sector participants being what it is, the
chance to get more money by tearing along a perforation will be too
tempting to resist. Consequently, it is my expectation that
immediately following the dollar’s release, the dollar supply will
have expanded by exactly 12 times the number of Greenspan Greenbacks
issued, with prices inflating mostly in cosmetics and entertainment, the
two categories where, given a few extra bucks, the masses like to
splurge.
“I hope I am proven wrong, and if I am, an apology will be
forthcoming. But if my expectations are proven correct, I would like my
libertarian critics to admit that given the ease with which the banking
system can create money, we have shown admirable restraint. Who
could do any better? Though gold and free market banking would be
ideal, as they assert, it would put an end to big government. They
know as well as I do that’s not going to happen.
“Truth has become a kind of fertilizer; it is defined as whatever
makes government grow. Therefore, fiat money and central banking
are two of the most unshakable truths known to modern man.
Government would no sooner get rid of them than the Pope would dump God.
“To pine wistfully for a day we will never see is self-defeating.
We at the Fed have made peace with Leviathan and are profiting
handsomely from it. I encourage my critics to do likewise.”
Notes
1
The Maestro
Changes His Tune, Ron Paul, http://www.lewrockwell.com/paul/paul236.html
2 Hey
Buttheads . . . Brilliant Economic Planning, Mogambo Guru, ("
Trying to . . . earn a few brownie-points for my mandatory Diversity
Instructional Message (DIM), I point out that our Federal Reserve
central bank is filled with WASPs, the whole banking system filled to
bursting with WASPs, the political system is overflowing with WASPs, and
together they are killing our money, and as soon as your money is
sufficiently debased, you will die, bitter and screaming out your rage
in the gutter.")
3 As a recent example: We
Shoulda Seen it Coming!, Sean Corrrigan
4 Purely bogus, of course
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