Confessions of a Sadomasochist

by Mike Wasdin

I must confess something: I am a bit of a sadomasochist. No, nothing of the twisted sexual nature, but twisted just the same. I am ashamed to admit it, but I spend a large portion of my free time in political chat rooms. My friends think I need therapy, and to be honest, I can’t say that I disagree. I belong to several dozen of these groups, all of them varying in different political brainwashed mantras. I am always guaranteed an entertaining evening!  

To partake in such madness, one must first possess a high threshold for pain, as you will ultimately end up beating your head against the monitor in repugnance (hence the masochist). One of the reasons that I enjoy this activity is because of the anonymity that it can bestow and of course the ability to use all sorts of colorful expletives so that you will be able to better make your point. In the real world, we must be more cultured and refined. Yes, I must admit that I have been known to use a sheep as a piñata from time to time (hence the sadist).  

I should know by now that the sheep of the world still believe that words will save them, so it should have come as no surprise to me that while perusing the chat boards that I would stumble upon this priceless little gem:  “I think that all Americans has the rights to the basic needs. My opinion, along with millions of other peoples.”  (Spelling and grammar left intact so as to preserve the author's true intellect.)  

I was suddenly in a quagmire; I didn't know where to begin. Should I start with basic free market economics or maybe go for the whole ten yards and explain why capitalism always trumps socialism? Maybe I should go all the way back and start with property rights? This was quite a dilemma that I was in for sure. As I gazed at my monitor pondering which approach I was going to take, I began to weigh my options.  

I decided to start from the beginning, since it was obvious that this poor, misguided fool was in need of a good course in Freedom 101. I launched into a long diatribe of basic rambling such as: Do you own yourself? I then moved into property rights with: Who gets to control the property, the owner or the government?  Thinking that surely any sane person would be able to see the logic in my words, I anticipated his response, but only to be disappointed when this reply was received:  “I will say it again… everyone in America   is intitle to the basic NEEDS.”   (Again, spelling and grammar left intact.)  

By now a slight pounding was being felt in my lobes, but still I decided to press on. This had now become a challenge, one that I was not going to back down from.  I proceeded forward, ranting about free markets, free enterprise and non-regulation. Hitting the reply button, I was content in knowing that my work was done here, only to be disenchanted once again with his luminous retort: “It won’t work if all is paying the same wage. Companies take advantage of Employees.”   (Again, full credit given to the author for his writing skills.)  

The pain in my forehead now pounding like a bass drum, I took two aspirin and plunged ahead. My fingers now striking away on the keyboard, I decided to unload with both barrels. I began typing with haste. Minimum wage laws are bad for employees, taxation is theft, affirmative action is bad for minorities, freedom good, government bad; freedom good, government bad!  

My head now ready to explode, I anxiously anticipated his reply!  “Again, If the world of the corporation don’t give their employee what they deserved to be paid, then I guess we end up paying for it.” (Once again, full credit given to the author for his writing skills.)  

The pain now more than I could bear; I clicked on the "leave chat room" button. I had finally received the orgasmic gratification that I so desperately desired. Once again, I had participated in the masturbatory fantasy of the sheep world. Another night of sadomasochistic ecstasy had been fulfilled. The room filled with the pungent smell of perspiration, I wiped the sweat from by brow and retired for the evening.