Satan Disappointed in Neocon Spawn

by Bob Wallace 

His Satanic Majesty Satan, aka Lucifer, aka Beelzebub, has recently expressed great disappointment in his current quasi-humanoid offspring, commonly known to the public as "neoconservatives."  

"I have been trying for thousands of years to get humanity to follow the Left-Hand Path, and these guys are the pits at helping me," he said disgustedly, in a recent interview.  "I've been behind some major players--Pol Pot, Stalin, Hitler, Lincoln, FDR--and compared to them, these guys are buffoons.  They couldn't even con the US administration into invading two insignificant little countries without fouling it up.  I wanted millions dead, decades of war and murder and destruction, and trillions of dollars wasted.  These punks couldn't even do that.  The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?  Try Pony League klutzes always dropping the ball!"  

Shaking his horned head sadly, Satan complained, "They had every chance. They conned people into believing they were rightists instead of leftists, they maligned patriots as traitors and convinced dunces it was true, they had the jug ear of the Alfred E. Newman who's the current President. And of best, they had a lot of the public unable to tell the difference between God's true laws and Man's foolish ones!"  

Looking very annoyed, Beelzebub explained, "I wanted the earth scorched, rivers of blood!  What did I get?  Two crummy little wars they've screwed up! They've blown all of it," said his Royal Foulness, rolling his eyes.  "And now all of them are gonna pay."  

As a result, Satan said he is closing down his current "Sons of Satan" Earthly Tour, and has recalled the main players.  

"I certainly didn't expect to be recalled to Hell," commented a shocked and skeletal William Kristol, as he was being used as a toothpick to dislodge a chunk of Rush Limbaugh.  "I always thought I was a good son--a cowardly, chickenhawk armchair warrior who called for more dead Americans, as long as I didn't have to fight.  What more could Satan ask of one of his sons?  I mean, how much more of a traitorous, back-stabbing weasel could I be?  

"You know what the most humiliating thing is?" he continued.  "I'm down here with Osama bin Laden.  It's like our Father thinks we're the same kind of guy."  

"This isn't fair at all," whined Douglas "Footstool" Feith, as Lucifer propped his smoking, cloven-hoofed goat-feet on his back.  "I don't deserve this.  I helped set up a shadow government in the Pentagon to distort intelligence to get the US into an unnecessary war!  Doesn't that count for something around here?"  

"I've got it the worst of all," said a bitter Max "Commode" Boot, as Satan sniggered and gave him a swirly.  "I called for more dead Americans in Afghanistan !  I hid the fact I was Russian and not American!  I never served in the military and never had any intention of doing so!  I was downright cowardly--and look how I'm being treated here!"  

"This is revolting," blubbered David Frum, tears streaming down his face, his bad haircut smoldering and then bursting into flames as Satan used him to pick his nose.  "I wrote a book bamboozling the foolish into thinking there could be an end to evil!  I was a scoundrel wrapping himself in the flag!  I followed what Goethe said: 'The coward threatens when he is safe'!  And this is what I get!  Couldn't Dad at least send me back to Canada ?"  

"Why don't all of you shut up," sobbed Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz, used as Satan's "Charmin" and his handkerchief, respectively.  "We were the main architects of the war.  Think of all the dead and horribly wounded Americans!  And now this! It's as unfair as can be!"  

"Quit your whining," admonished the Dark Lord, frowning at his cringing vassals, "or I'll give all of you a Satanic Wedgie.  I gave you my Diabolical Ten Commandments to follow, and you morons couldn't even get a handful of simple rules right!  Worship the Strange God of the State, murder, steal and tell lies against your neighbors, covet--and you clowns couldn't even get them right!  Someone bring me a four-year-old!  He couldn't do any worse than you jerks!  

"Why oh why oh why can't I find any competent villains anymore?" he asked in exasperation.  "These guys are half-retarded, and that's the good half."  

When asked what his plans for the future were, Satan laughed and answered, "Why, the same as always.  Get the human race to sacrifice to me through war, mass murder and massive destruction.  I'll do what every tyrant does--attempt to conquer the world by pretending I and my minions are benefactors.  The masses always fall for that little trick."