Revenge!  I Want Revenge!

by Bob Wallace 

I want George Bush to lose so bad I can taste it.  And it's not because I'm for Kerry.  Kerry looks like what happens when Herman Munster and Gomer Pyle get into the transporter together, there's a horrible accident, and only one person comes out.  

There's about a dime's worth of difference between Bush and Kerry.  Contrary to the hallucinations of the Poorly Educated Who Can't Spell (also know as Freepers), if Kerry wins, nothing substantive will change.  In some ways, he might be a little better; in others, a little worse.  But overall, there won't be any major changes, no matter who wins.  Both candidates have that "last chicken in the shop" quality about them.  

I want Bush to lose because I want revenge on him.  He is an awful President.  I realized there was something wrong with him when in all seriousness he stated that some third-rate, tinhorn dictator was going to fly "Drones of Death" across the Atlantic .  Well, actually, I realized it before then, but that was the first time I thought his brain was seriously frazzled.  

That's just pitiful.  I was really supposed to believe some son was going to ask, "Hey, Dad, what's that coming in over the sea?", and his father would answer, "Well, son, we didn't believe some stumble-tongued dry drunk, and dang, now we've got a balsa-wood Drone of Death with a rusty sarin warhead--I think from 1988--courtesy of Saddam Hussein, ready to land on top of the Winnebago"?  

And Bush said it on TV so the entire world could laugh at him, and the country that put him in office!  Honest to God, "Drones of Death" sounds as bad as the "Donuts of Destruction" in the movie “Spaced Invaders.”  

Speaking of that movie, Bush reminds me a bit of Vern "Zorro" Pillsbury, a gas station attendant who goes from zero to hero courtesy of a Martian brain-zapper contraption bolted to his head.  Hmm . . . a man who's never succeeded at anything in his life, whose brain has been taken over by would-be world-conquering aliens, and who now believes he is a hero.  Wow--talk about life imitating art!  

Has Bush no sense of proportion at all?  Or a sense of humor?  The last thing he did was give the finger to some kids holding up a sign that read, "More trees, less Bush."  Is the man a child?  Or is this what comes from being as dangerously inbred as British royalty?  I swear, I'd vote for a Commie creep like Ralph Nader, or a buffoon and poltroon like Al Sharpton, if it would get him out of office, so he can go back to Texas and fall off his Segway all he wants.  

Politics creates hate and anger in people.  It is inherently civil war.  Since the State is based on coercion and the threat of violence, so is politics.  Politics is about nothing more than who gets to apply how much violence to people.  Politics sets people at war with each other.  I wish it didn't exist.  

Politics also makes people paranoid, because they always think if the opposing party gets into power, they'll do terrible things to them.  It's just like James Coburn stuttering in “The President's Analyst”: "They're after me . . . did you just hear what I just said? ' They.'  I said 'they're' after me.  I'm paranoid!"  

I voted for Bush, because I thought Gore was certifiable.  I honestly thought that with a Republican President, and a Republican Congress, we'd see some shrinking of the federal government.  

Ha ha!  Boy, did I get fooled!  And it'll never happen again!  Let me find one of my Who CDs and crank up that song!  "And the men who spurred us on/Sit in judgment of all wrong/They decide and the shotgun sings the song." I'd like to see that in a PoliSci class.  I'd make Victor Davis Hanson sit in the front row so I could make sure he's listening and taking notes.  

All politicians are as untrustworthy as Sylvester with Tweety in his mouth. 

Where's Grandma when you need her?  She was always bashing Sylvester with her umbrella.  Maybe we need about 500 grandmas sitting in Congress, behind every politician, umbrellas raised.  

Politicians spend most of their time trying to cover their butts, running around with their hands over their heinies, like rats being chased by the farmer's wife with the knife.  

If I had a steel foot, I'd chase all of them around and kick their asses!  Better yet, a gold foot, then I could make a movie about it (GOLDFOOT: "Ah, Mr. Lying Power-Hungry Politician, for once you are exactly where I wish you to be." WHAM!)  

It turned out Bush is the one who's certifiable.  He's gone all Gollum on me, just the way Smeagle went whacky when he got hold of the Ring of Power, and wouldn't give it up even though it made him retro-evolve into the Middle-Earth version of a politician.  

Now we've got a President who's trying to turn parts of the world into a Hieronymous Bosch painting, because all those tangled brain cells in his head are picking up some non-existent "Wrath of God" broadcast.  

I get the impression a lot of people are going to vote for Kerry, not because they like him, but because they can't stand Bush.  It's got to the point whenever I look at the man, I see a sneering, narrow-headed, cock-eyed monkey who woggles his eyes back and forth like he's a marionette.  Every time I see him on TV, I want to throw Cheesy Poofs at the screen.  

A few days ago I passed a van on the highway, on the side of which was painted, "Brush and Spray Painting."  I saw "Bush and Spray Painting," and had to look twice, wondering if I saw what I thought I saw.  That's what politics has done to me.  And not just me.  

I feel like I'm stuck in some movie that's half horror, half comedy.  Since I'm not the one getting killed or having parts of my body blown off, to me it seems like a comedy.  A not very good comedy.  Now if I was the one having bombs rained on my head, I'd be liable to see everything as a horror.  

That's what politics is--half comedy, half horror.  It's particularly bad right now.  As far as I can tell, for the first time, the US is being ruled by children, bullies and cowards.  Maybe all politicians are children.  "The evil man is the child grown strong," Thomas Hobbes wrote.  

And I want revenge on these people.  I want them out.  I want them all out.  

I'm tired of explaining to deluded, naive 18-year-olds that no, I am not a coward or a traitor, and no, you aren't defending your country if you go into the military; you're defending the interests of whomever has control of the federal government.  You'll die for them, not the country.  

I'm tired of Bush making me despise him.  And Cheney, and Rumsfeld, and Perle and Wolfowitz and the rest of those sleazy, lying, backstabbing weasels.  And if Kerry gets in, I'll despise him, too.  

I want out of this ridiculous war.  I want the US to close down its 750 military bases in three-quarters of the world, and bring all the troops home.  I want the US to mind its own business, and stop meddling around the planet, which brought blowback our way.  It certainly wasn't because we are so "good."  

Why couldn't there have been an 11th Commandment?  "Thou shalt deport all politicians"?  It's too bad the first line in the Bible isn't, "In the beginning God said, 'Mind your own business,' or you'll be really, really sorry."  

"Revenge is a dish best served cold," goes the old saying.  I think it's Klingon.  I've decided it's not true, because in between the offense and the justice, a lot of bad things happen.  I want immediate revenge.  But I guess I'll have to wait.  

Personally, I'd rather be ruled by a bunch of long-haired, dope-smoking, science-fiction reading, computer-geekazoid nerds--Homo Nerdus Geekus.  Say, the staff of Microsoft, circa 1978.  They couldn't be any worse than a potential organ grinder's monkey who passed out stuffing a pretzel in his pretzel hole.