Four More Years of Funation

by Bob Wallace 

Well, folks, I don't know about all of you, but I suspect George W. Bush will win the election.  I'm not going to vote, because my .0000000001% of it won't do the slightest bit of good.  I am not looking forward with any eagerness to another term for Dubya, but there are some minor pluses--specifically, four more years of funation and incomprehensile talking from our illustrious if squished-headed President.  

I don't see how anybody can differentize between him and John Kerry, anyhow, since both are Skull and Boners, not to mention silver-spoon rich boys who've never done a day's work in their lives.  If I vote for either one, I'm still voting for incompetents.  Why bother?  The lesser of two incompetents, even if one is lesser than the other, is still incompetent. The people whom I want to vote for don't stand a chance.  

You'd think after thousands of years of failure, people would realize there are no political solutions to our problems, but they never seem to learn.  Politics is beating something with a hammer until it breaks.  It doesn't matter who gets voted into office. They can't change the nature of that hammer.  

Kerry in a minor way does have his fun parts, it is true, what with him being a guy who looks like a cross between Herman Munster and Gomer Pyle and yet somehow made it as a gigoloer.  My luck is obviously not up to speed on this.  The only time women chase me is in my dreams.  On the other hand, I don't have an ugly-mug daughter like Kerry who appeared in public in a see-through dress to take attention away from said ugly mug, which has Super-High-Maintenance-Double-Yech written all over it.  

Bush is much more fun that Kerry.  He can't even open his mouth without some of the most amazing stuff popping out.  Here's a guy who once said, "We ought to make the pie higher," which I think means "make the pie larger," referring to the economic pie that should grow so we can all get a larger slice.  

Bush always has this confused look on his face like he has no idea what he's going to say until he comes out.  And even after it comes out, he doesn't seem to understand what he meant.  Listening to him is like playing a slot machine: sometimes you won't win anything, then other times, boy you hit the crackpot.  Uh, jackpot.  

I swear, to me George looks like one of those puzzled little monkeys that one day was eating berries in the jungle and the next was wearing a red cap and holding a cup.  (Come on, admit it, you know that Bush would look good in an organ-grinder's monkey's cap.  Ha ha!  Made you smile!)  

I can't imagine Kerry saying something like, "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case," not unless he's got some clothing fetishes none of us know about.  

Since politicians are all the same, I don't see how Kerry beating Bush will make any difference in Iraqistan.  I'll bet he'll stay the course just like Dubya, so he'll end up despiserized just like the Monkeyhead.  All politicians do one thing and say the other, anyway, so what's the difference exactly between these two Boners?  No matter what Rush "Goober" Limbaugh says, I ulteramately don't see any unsimilarities between these two goonybirds.  

Besides, Kerry is essentially not fun, no more than the Deadite Alan Greenspan, who in his zombification would fit perfectly as a reanimated corpse walking around in a horror flick with his arms sticking straight out in front of him.  If we've got to have an idjit in office, at least I want a funny idjit who can't complete a sentence without making the entire nation laugh.  That makes George Bush our man.  

Who can not laugh when Dubya says, "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family"?  Apparently he meant, "I know how hard it is to put food on the table for your family," but if he did, half the sentence just disappeared into outer space.  And I seriously doubt he knows how hard it is, considering the fact his dad didn't know how much a gallon of milk cost, or knew how those supermarket laser scanners worked.  

Yet, there are people out there who think if Kerry is elected, it will pretty much mean us capsizing to those Muslislamo-fascist guys who have no armies or navies or air forces, or even watches, which is why bin Laden always wore one of those garish $20 ones you find in Walgreens.  You know the guys--the ones Bush is croaking halfway around the world while letting them move into the US .  Ha ha!  Such brilliance I haven't seen since the Romaner Empire!  

But then, maybe those guys aren't the major threat.  After all, George did say, "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were.  It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was.  Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."  Well, okay, somebody is there--somewhere there--and I guess they're a threat somewhere over there.  Or here. I just don't know who they are somewhere over there.  Or here.  Or wherever.  

Well, actually, I do.  It's the government that's the real threat to us.  The one that attacked Iraq when al-Qaida attacked us.  Makes sense to me.  The dog bites me so I kick the cat!  I betcha bin Laden would be laughing if he wasn't squished flat under a mountain!  

Then there are those types who think if Kerry is elected, everything will be all peaches-and-cream, or maybe Heinz catsup.  Or is it ketchup?  Well, I got news for them: keep dreaming your goofy dreams, political idolaters, because you got another dream coming.   If Kerry is elected, it won't make any difference at all.  

Besides, we all know Jesus wants us to vote for Bush. I know this because George told everyone God talks to him.  I find this a bit humiliating, because God doesn't talk to me.  But then, I'm not President.  Or a king, like in the past.  But I digressify.  Let's just say I'll do what Jerry Falwell and Hal Lindsey want, because I don't want a lightning bolt in the head. Or places farther south.  

So, folks, it appears the nation is going to stay on board the good ship U.S.S. Dubya, even if it is heading toward the shoals. With a little bit of luck (since there is no wisdom involved), it might even miss them. One good sign is that the neo-rats are deserting the ship, which is most definitely a really good thing.  With a little luck they'll all drown.  They'll do that before they apologerize, that's for sure.  Not that I want an apology. I'd rather see floating all rigor-mortis on their backs with their stiff little traitorous paws sticking up in the air.  

Who knows?  Maybe Bush is finally beginning to see through these backstabbing traitors.  

But, if nothing else, just think--four more years of Busherisms!  And that is at least a little something to look forward to.