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(C-BINO) Confirmed Bachelor in Name Only Jim
Antle wrote a fine
piece last week about the under-publicized phenomena of
contemporary man’s cognitions interfering with the institution of
marriage. Antle uses
himself as an example and his words resonate with fellows like me who
find themselves in the same boat. His
piece offered some excellent hypotheticals as to why men may no longer
be moved to marry. Specifically,
one of the deterrents he mentioned was that fathers get crucified by
the court system: “The men's rights movement would contend that this
is because men fear that divorce courts stacked against them would
ruin their lives if their marriages went bad.”
Divorce courts are definitely an ominous presence in every
informed man’s mind. I
used to work with a special education teacher who planned on retiring
in May of 2000. In August
of 2000 I happened to see him at a meeting I attended.
I asked a co-worker, “What the hell is he doing here?”
The
answer wasn’t pretty. “His wife divorced him after she ran off
with some guy she met at a mental hospital during detox [!].
Part of the settlement was that she gets half his pension.
He’s never retiring.” Stories
like these would freak out even the most infatuated man.
My friend Robert is also a testament as to how the courts can
destroy a husband (“Custody
Court Massacre,”). As
if that’s not reason enough, Mr. Antle gives another compelling
explanation: “But many people may have a simpler motivation still to
avoid marriage: They are creatures of habit already living comfortably
as single people.” This
is tough to refute. The
last thing I want to do with my hard-earned cash is spend it on some
over-the-hill princess with a bad Nordstrom’s habit [“Miss, most
women in their thirties aren’t princesses; they’re called
spinsters”]. Living by
oneself and answering to no one is a great pleasure that should not
mindlessly be frittered away. It
is a wonderful thing to wake up on a Saturday morning with complete
freedom. Further,
for those of us in our thirties, loneliness is no longer an issue.
If it were, we would have already married the first battle ax
that crossed our path (actually I did, and boy did I suffer!).
The last time I personally felt lonely was during the Reagan
Administration, so the desire to have someone constantly around no
longer influences my behavior. Yet,
even with all the aforementioned arguments and intelligence, I find
that I cannot bring myself to condemn marriage.
I know that this will irritate many a reader, but I sincerely
believe that marriage is a valuable institution that makes society
possible. “What
is the word known to all men?” James
Joyce asked. The word is
“love.” It
is not a phrase like “club level seating at the Regardless
of what evil radical feminists may preach, there is no substitute for
an active and caring father in a child’s life.
No amount of toys or trips or snacks can replace dad’s firm
but loving hand. I
work at an urban alternative school, and I’ve seen the effects of
non-existent men firsthand. The
one thing universally missing from the lives of our students is the
word “father.” The
school is filled with fatherless boys and girls, and the vast majority
of them eventually experience run-ins with the law or pregnancy before
the age of 20. Now, I
agree that my school is by no means representative of the whole, but
it does showcase just how bad things can get in a fatherless home. The
desire to have children, raise them, and build a meaningful life is
something deep within a man’s heart.
Paul Craig Roberts wrote one of the best
columns that I’ve ever read about the male desire to find women
worthy of marriage in our libertine age.
He is right that marriageable women are no longer the norm
within our society and, in fact, are a great rarity.
With
all this in mind, it is my opinion that a man should only get married
if there’s a possibility of having children.
Kids alone merit risk and sacrifice.
They are the only justification for subjecting oneself to a
possible pack of white tipped lawyers who swim around marital
disputes. The desire to
educate and guide youth is an end in itself.
Few things are more fulfilling.
Being needed is far more rewarding than always being in need. I
acknowledge that many women fall in love with bad boys who will leave
them pregnant at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, and that
makes our job in selecting a wife all the more difficult.
On top of that, the DNA information coming out on female
infidelity is hardly confidence inspiring.
However, if you’re lucky enough to find a partner who wants
to be a mother and is not materialistic, then, I believe, you’ve got
to take a chance. Women
with maternal instincts are worth a roll of the dice. Besides,
marriage is a much more viable option when not discussed in the
abstract. It’s easy to
dismiss an imaginary person, but after finding a great woman, it is
hard to think only in terms of the worst case scenario.
This
last part is exactly what has happened to me.
A little less than a year ago I met a girl in her mid-twenties
who hates partying, loves kids, has a pleasant disposition, can
entertain herself, and tolerates all of my jackassian opinions.
She would have been a great catch 40 years ago, but now, in
this pathological time of radical feminism, she’s as irreplaceable
as Martin Brodeur is with five minutes left in the third period after
your star defensemen was issued a five minute major.
Translation: Having her as a wife would be a blessing, and
perhaps the best thing to ever happen to me. In
the final analysis, I’ll ride along with Mr. Antle for 90% of his
journey, but, at the last minute– before we reach our bachelor dude
ranch destination– I’m going to jump out of the Yugo and roll into
the air of uncertainty.
Bernard Chapin works as a school psychologist full-time, a college instructor part-time and writes whenever possible.
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