|
Tomorrow's News...Today! Selected
news items from June 15, 2015. First
Sergeant Alvin Jersey was quoted as saying, "I really hope the
b------ is in here. My kid is going into high school next year and I
have never seen him. A twelve-year deployment never occurred to me when
I signed up." Commenting
on the latest rash of terrorist snipers and suicide bombers, General
Jones stated that final mopping up operations were to begin soon against
the last holdouts of the Baath Party, after which the foundations for
democratic elections could be laid. "It's hard to hold democratic
elections when our carefully-selected democratic candidates keep getting
their heads blown off. No one wants to run." General
Jones noted that part of the delay of this final phase of Operation
Iraqi Freedom was due to the problem of finding a name for it. After
Desert Storm, Desert Scorpion, Desert Fox, Desert Iguana, Operation
Cactus, Desert Rattlesnake and other names of that ilk, all
desert-related names have been used up in twelve years of desert
operations. The new operation has been tentatively named Operation
Desert Hummingbird, pending approval from the headquarters of the Armed
Forces, the newly-constructed General
Jones speculated that the Evil Terrorist Osama bin Laden would also be
found in Bunker #17. "Well, we know that there is a definite
Iraqi-al Qaeda link and finding these two guys together would prove
it." This despite the persistent rumor that bin Laden remains on
kidney dialysis in a hospital in the south of France. ------------------------------ Persistent
rumors credit this landslide with massive spending and payments-in-aid
to regional warlords by the Taliban, but there is no evidence that the
Taliban had the necessary financial resources to mount an American-style
political campaign. It is more likely that those candidates running
against the Taliban jointly agreed to drop out of their respective races
"for the good of the country" shortly before the election.
None of the candidates admitted that their decisions to withdraw had
anything to do with the non-Taliban candidates for President and
Vice-President being found in various parts of the desert surrounding
Kabul. ------------------------------ Despite
persistent rumors to the contrary, no link between Taliban Enterprises
and the Taliban Democratic Republican Peoples Freedom and Liberty Party
has been proven. ------------------------------ Recalling
the elder Bush's legacy, after losing to William Clinton in 1992, George
H. W. Bush ran against Senator Hillary Clinton in 2008, winning handily
after two successful terms by his son, George W. Bush. The necessity of
continuing the War on Terror after the Brooklyn Bridge bombing of 2007
no doubt contributed to the Bush victory. The
Democratic National Committee is still crying "Foul!" over
that election, contending that the National Vote Tabulating System
misrepresented George H. W. Bush as George W. Bush on the country's
computerized voting machines. Unfortunately, there is no way to check on
this accusation, or, indeed, to call for a recount. Since the advent of
a national computer voting system in 2006, there are no paper ballots to
count and, under the National Computerized Voting Anti-Fraud and Privacy
Act of 2007, all electronic voting records are erased as soon as they
are compiled and reported in the national newspaper of record, The
Crawford Texas Herald-Times-Journal. Some
historians equate the elder Bush's 2008 victory over Senator Clinton to
his son's victory over the Evil Dictator Saddam Hussein in 2003. But
where the younger Bush had to take up the reins of the military to win a
war that his father had not, the father himself came out of retirement
to recoup his own 1992 loss against the Clintons. Political
analysts note that a second Jeb Bush term will give some of the younger
Bushes, notably Governor of California Jenna Bush, time to have their
political strategies firmly established before the 2020 campaign. Noelle
Bush, daughter of the President, was recently interviewed at her
semi-permanent home in Florida, the Florida Fully-Tax Supported
Substance Amusement Clinic for the Nearly Brain-Dead. When asked if she
had political aspirations matching those of other members of the family,
she replied, "Huh? Whut? Yeah, like fer sure . . . . Huh?" In
a related story, Representative Chelsea Clinton (D) of New York was
asked, now that she has attained the minimum age to hold the office of
President, if she would be running in 2016. She replied, "I have no
interest in running for the Presidency . . . . Right, Senator Mom?" ------------------------------ New
York-- Disagreement within the textbook industry flared up when two
major publishers issued their latest editions of history texts bound for
high schools across the country. One
company refers to 41st and 44th President George H. W. Bush as Bush I,
43rd President George W. as Bush II, and 45th President Jeb Bush as Bush
III. However,
a competing company refers to George H. W. as Bush I/III and Jeb as Bush
IV. Adding
to the confusion is the fact that Grover Cleveland is referred to as
both the 22nd and 24th President, due to his non-continuous terms,
although he is listed by some texts as only the 22nd, which would make
the first Bush the 40th and 43rd, or not. Fearing
that conflicting information will leave some children behind, President
Jeb Bush is poised to sign the No Child Confused Act of 2015, calling
for a Federal Standard in the numbering of Presidents. ------------------------------ Basrah,
Iraq-- Halliburton, Cheney, Inc. has announced that it will be ready to
turn over oil well drilling and operations to Iraqi companies
"probably some time in the next five years." They continued:
"Of course, all profits have remained with the people of Iraq, as
evidenced by the return of necessary infrastructure to the country. Why
just this week the water has been turned on in Baghdad." ------------------------------ N'Djamena,
Chad-- United States peace-keeping forces continue to search the city
for Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction after tracing their path from Iraq
in 2003 through Syria, Sudan, Somalia, and New Jersey. Temporary
occupation of those countries is expected to end as soon as democratic
elections are guaranteed, although a strong contingent force will remain
in Atlantic City to protect various boardwalk monuments, such as
Harrah's, from looting by disorganized local separatist gangs. ------------------------------ President
Jeb Bush appears to be leaning toward "Department of Homeland
Justice and Defense" while brother George W. is advising it be
named "Ministry of Homeland Defensification," stating that
"It's all about defensifying the nation from terroristism. And
having a Minister instead of a Secretary is really cool because you can
just hire a secretary off the street but it's harder to get a minister
to come over to the house." This
final step will complete the ten-year plan consolidating all Federal
departments under one head, which was begun under the administration of
President George W. (not H. W.) Bush. As he commented at the time,
speaking from his Segway on the fifteenth tee, "It will certainly
make the job of President much more easified only having to deal with
one person in the Cabinetry." The
first round of consolidations began in 2006 when the Department of
Defense was placed under the
National Security Agency (National Security and Defense Department), the
Department of Energy under Homeland Security (Homeland Secure Energy
Department), and Health and Human Services under the Department of
Justice (renamed the Department of Social Justice). Condoleezza
Rice-Bush is expected to be named head of the new, combined department.
Joe
Bommarito is a free lance, currently living in unincorporated
|
